What is your bedroom like? Is it a relaxing and rejuvenating place separate from the cares of the world?

When you walk into your bedroom, do you go “Aaahh!” and smile because you feel more restful just being there?

If you answered “Yes” to these questions, then well done! Your bedroom is as it should be, and because of this you probably find that sex is something you can transition into fairly easily.

If it’s not, then it’s redecoration time! Think about colors and textures, music and lighting. Ban all technology except for your music player. Remove family photos other than happy romantic photos of the two of you. And keep it tidy. Now it will feel like a sanctuary. You’ll be able to walk across the threshold of your bedroom and leave the cares of the world behind, entering into a peaceful place where you can wind down and chill out together.

Yes, chill out together.

I find that too many people only use their bedroom for sleep and sex, so they don’t go to the bedroom unless they’re planning one or both of those activities. Then it can get a bit awkward about how to move into some sexual activity. Or they wait until they’re already under the covers, and by then one or both of them really can’t be bothered, they’d rather sleep!

I’ll admit that I include myself in that category. Once my head hits the pillow it’s sleep time!

I encourage you to start using your bedroom as a place of mutual chill-out and connection. Take a cup of tea, a mug of hot chocolate or a glass of wine in with you and sit on your bed and simply chat. Play good music. Have the lighting set at a relaxing level. Lounge on the pillows. Massage each other’s feet as you talk. Whatever. Then you will probably find it’s easier to transition into some sensual touch, kissing, sensual undressing, and voila – you’re making love!

This approach to “getting to sex” works if either one or both of you are having trouble initiating or getting going. It may be that you’re not leading up to it well. I’ve written elsewhere about beforeplay - what you do before you start to get sexual. Get that right and things flow into sex more easily and more naturally.

Or not. This is not just a way to get sex happening. More importantly, it’s a way to get the two of you bonding and connecting in an intimate way. It’s important that you learn to spend time with each other in this way without it necessarily leading to sex, so there’s no pressure or expectation.

Having this easy connection between you, with open communication, is how you will have both the desire for sex, the ability to communicate where you’re at in relation to sex, and the time and space to create and consummate that desire.

No, I’m not talking about getting your knickers off!

I’m talking about talking about your sex. That in itself can be sexy and extend the deliciousness of the sexual interaction. It’s also the only way you’re going to give each other quality feedback.

Now, if you have the kind of sex where you do it late at night when you’re both exhausted and he rolls off after his ejaculation and falls asleep immediately, then you’re not going to be able to debrief straight after. However, the more you move away from that three-course-meal approach to sex and more to a picnic approach the easier it will be to communicate during the love-making session, and be in a good space afterwards so that you can keep talking. In fact, you can’t do the picnic approach to sex without talking about it, it would be as limiting as a picnic without conversation (keeping in mind that of course there are times at both a picnic and sex where there’s no need to talk at all…)

When I say ‘debrief’, I don’t mean something heavy. Make it light and fun: What went well? What did you do differently? What could have been done a little differently? You can have a good giggle about the good bits, pat yourselves on your backs for new discoveries, analyse why it was good or how it could be better, and ditch anything that just didn’t work…

This applies as much to comparatively small changes, such as playing music in the bedroom, to really out-there sexual activity, such as exploring swinging. You have to talk about how it was for you and where to from here.

Just lie there together and chat, or get up and make a cup of tea and sit up and have a more involved chat. If you really do have to fall asleep, make a date to discuss things later, while having a walk together or sitting on your balcony looking out at the stars…

The more free you feel to share your experience, the easier it is to take on board what works for you as individuals and as a couple, the safer you’ll feel exploring, and the whole sex thing becomes so much more enjoyable and satisfying.


If you need help at getting better at sexy debriefing, book in for private sex therapy sessions at The Love Life Clinic.

You can tell when a woman is really aroused: her face glazes over.

She’ll feel kind of “stoned” or “love drunk” on the inside and she’ll look it on the outside.

At that point her brain is switching off (or at least, the left “logical” side of her brain), and her speech centres shut down so she can’t really talk. It’s quite an altered state of consciousness.

When she gets to that state she’s acting on pure feeling, there’s no control or planning or thinking that she should or shouldn’t do something. She just is. That’s when her sexual expression becomes pure and real.

Interestingly, it’s also when she can become the wildest. Because at that point the limiting beliefs and thought processes that get in the way of true sexual expression aren’t functioning - so she’s truly free.

Some women drink alcohol or take party drugs as a short cut to get to this stage, where the inhibitions are gone and she’s feeling free. That’s not a healthy way to get there though. It’s far better to get there naturally.

This requires real letting-go, which is tricky for modern women with all the busyness in our heads. The difficulty is compounded by past hurts or resentments that keep us on our guard. And the current porno approach to sex where it’s all about acting rather than expressing means women will never get there because they have to “do” rather than “be”.

The paradox is, that if you want to truly be the way those porn actresses are acting - wild and free and really into it - you need to build up to it, take the time to get love drunk.

You can’t force love drunk, there’s no quick fix. Although having said that, the more a woman keeps her sexual energy simmering, and the more trained she is at letting go (through meditation for example), then the easier it is for her to get there. And of course, she has to feel completely safe with her partner, so it’s vital that the two of you are getting on exceptionally well and that she trusts you implicitly.

Get her love-drunk and she’ll take you both to heaven…

Can you makeover your sex life?

Of course you can! That’s what I’m all about.

Essentially a makeover is when you realise you’re not living up to your potential in some area of life and you set about changing that. Many people simply accept their “lot” in life, excusing even the possibility of change with beliefs that: “I’m too old”, “I’m too poor”, “I’m too whatever”. Other people realise that we have agency to create our own lives, so it’s up to us to choose to be however we want to be. This applies as much to sex as any other part of life.

In fact, I think a sexual makeover is essential to any other life makeover. We are essentially sexual creatures, our sexuality is fundamental to our being, and therefore to our well-being. So if you’re considering a lifestyle makeover, you’ve got to include sex.

Sometimes people say to me that they’ll fix the other “stuff” before they address sex.

I say, no, Sex is at the base of all life! So start at the base!

Start transforming your sexuality and you’ll start transforming your life.

This is one of the things I love about sex. Once you really start looking at your sexuality and working on your sex life, everything changes. It can’t help but change. It’s potent stuff.

So how do you go about a sexual makeover?

As with any makeover:

1. Acknowledge that you need to do it.
2. Believe that it’s possible.
3. Clarify your desired outcome.
4. Get the advice or support or inspiration that you need.
5. Do it!

It’s up to you to take the first step.

From then on other people can help you.

So much of what I do is dispelling the myths around sex that hold us back. Anyone can improve their sex life if they choose to. If I can do anything for you at all, I can help you believe that improvement is possible.

Most people have no idea of our human sexual potential. There’s so little information around about what sex is, why it exists, how it helps us, how it can manifest. Most of the West still seems to be milling around primary school level, when there’s veritable post-graduate possibilities out there!

Clearly, I firmly believe in step four. Whether it’s private coaching and therapy, attending workshops and retreats, or reading and listening to books, blogs and podcasts there’s tons of advice, support and inspiration to be had. There’s an increasing amount of sex-positive information and services available these days.

Then once again, it’s up to you to take the fifth step. You can have all the guidance and support in the world - you’re the only one who can do it.

Transform your sex life - transform your life - transform the world!

Seriously, imagine if everyone in the world made over their sex life and was having great sex, how much happier would this planet be!

There's a beautiful quote from Anais Nin:

There came a day when the flower realized that the pain of remaining tight in a bud was greater than the risk of opening up and blossoming. 


That's how people often feel about their sexuality before they come to see me. They can't bear being a tight bud anymore, they can no longer deny their need to blossom. It's what I love in this work, whether it's with private clients or in the group workshops, people start to tap into their true selves and to allow themselves to be who they really are and express themselves honestly and openly.

Our sexuality is one area where many people aren’t open and honest and true to themselves. No matter how much personal development work they’ve done, if they’ve missed out this crucial part of themselves, then they’re never going to be whole and real.

You see, true sexual expression comes from a very deep part of ourselves, it’s probably the part of ourselves that is truer than any other part. Many people think our sexuality is part of our lower, animal side. I beg to disagree. I believe our sexuality is part of our higher human side, along with creativity and art and music and all those attributes of being human that come from higher evolution and bigger brain and more complex and meaningful existence. And just as it's important to tap into and express ourselves in those other areas of humanity, it’s also vital that we tap into the authenticity of our sexual selves.

This level of authenticity is tricky in a society that is juvenile in its approach to sex – more giggle and snicker than expression and growth.

So, if you’re on this journey, if you want to grow and evolve sexually, you’ve got to get past all the myths and crap in society around sex. Get over the limiting beliefs and lack of permissions, toss out the “should”s and “shouldn’t”s. Get informed, get creative, and get transformed!

Again, this is tricky in a society that has so little real sex education and inspiring sexual information. So, in my own little way I start the ripples that will become waves that will help turn our society into one where sex has its rightful place and people feel and express the love.

Getting back to my opening line, I see in clinic, in workshops and retreats, people opening up to possibility and realness. It’s so good. I love my work. I’m a small drop calling for sexual expression and sexual authenticity in an ocean of sexual repression and sexual distortion, but every little bit counts. And what counts is you.

The change starts with you.

Ponder deeply on that, then start to express yourself freely. Feel the love; feel the ecstasy; live the pleasure.

The fairy tales got it wrong.Two do not become one and live happily ever after. Two halves do not make a whole. Rather, two complete people come together and form a third entity, their coupledom. You, me and us. Not just us.

'Two becoming one' is co-dependence. Two becoming three - two self-reliant individuals and a strong bond as a couple - that's what gives security and freedom in life.

It's so important in life to know yourself, respect yourself and nurture yourself. I call this selfless selfishness - putting yourself first so that you can do your best for others. That applies to relationships as a whole, and also to the act of sex, where you need a ‘selfish’ approach to be real and connect from deep within, rather than from a head-orientated performance approach focused on whether you’re doing it well or not.

That requires self-reliance, the ability to self-validate, not requiring others to judge you from their own worldview and to decide if you’re right or wrong, good or bad. In intimate relationships in particular, people too often require the other person to make them feel good. They get into the relationship through their own sense of lack and needing the other to make them feel whole. But no other person can do that for you, it has to come from within. The expectation that your partner can ‘complete’ you can only lead to disappointment, with the relationship ultimately either continuing in a state of limited co-dependence or ending with bitterness and blame.

Coming together out of need produces a very different relationship to one coming out of want/desire/respect. Neediness based on fear or incompleteness, which is where so many of our needs come from, is not the basis for a good relationship, and therefore is a bad basis for a fulfilling on-going sex life.

So, take some time to muse about your needs. Are they ones that once fulfilled will lead to you being a more complete and self-reliant individual? Or are they ones that will keep you in a state of lack, incompleteness and dependence? Hint, if they are around material concepts, they’ll be the latter; if they are based on societal or cultural expectations of needs, rather than what’s real for you, chances are they’ll be the latter too.

What the world needs is self-reliant people. People who are real, people who trust themselves, and who can join with others in relationship, in family, in community, in work, based on strength not on lack.

There are some old sexual myths of men being “naturally promiscuous” to sow their seed, and women being “naturally monogamous” because it’s “natural” for a woman to be less sexual and on closer examination these myths have no basis in fact. The former because it is a misuse of evolutionary theory and the latter because it is based on historical suppression of women’s sexuality not their biological reality. (See A History of Sexual Misinformation for more on this.)

So what is real – are humans monogamous or not? Is monogamy a natural state that all humans gravitate to, or is it a social norm superimposed upon a different biological basis?

Well, it seems that monogamy is not biologically-based, it’s socially based. For an in-depth look at this issue I recommend you read the brilliant book “Sex At Dawn” by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. It’s a thoroughly researched and very entertaining read. The authors look at our biology, at prehistoric remains, at our closest ape relatives, at existing and recent hunter-gatherer societies, and present a very plausible argument that we haven’t evolved to be monogamous, that the concept of “possessing” a partner exclusively is a social development, not a biological one.

This is certainly a view that I had come to based on my own research and observations, clinical and personal; so it's good to see it reinforced by academics who have done the proper analytical research. So, if we’re not “naturally” monogamous, what does that mean for us? Should we all start hanging out at swingers clubs and inviting the neighbors over for a “casual drink”? Of course not. I’m not talking about going from one extreme to another! What I am saying is that we need to take the issue seriously, not cover it up with fear or power-based morality and narrow-mindedness.

These days we do plenty of things that we didn’t evolve to do, things that aren’t “natural” in the sense that we usually mean it - such as sitting in front of a computer. But if we stray too far from who we really are, if we go too much against our innate selves, if we start fighting our selves, then we’re in for trouble. To use the computer example, our bodies have evolved to be active, so even if we can sit in front of a computer, we shouldn’t overdo it. Overly sedentary people risk obesity, heart disease, diabetes and a whole bunch of other problems.

So, if we aren’t naturally monogamous, forcing ourselves to be monogamous is not going to work. In the past it was avoided by repressing women’s sexuality so severely that it was barely possible to be non-monogamous. But now that women don’t get stoned to death, or burned at the stake or locked up in mental institutions for being sexual, and now that women aren’t forced to stay in relationships for the sake of economic necessity, what do we find – around 50% of relationships involve infidelity (of which women contribute as much as men). And certainly very many people aren't monogamous for life, these days serial monogamy tends to be the norm, so while they might not overlap their lovers they certainly do have more than one.

I have come to think that as with so many other aspects of sexuality, we’re all on a continuum of monogamy, with some people being completely monogamous and others being completely non-monogamous, and most of us somewhere in-between. And this varies over time.

A small number of people manage to have consensual non-monogamous relationships, and that’s fine because in these cases it’s done openly, honestly and with continual reflection. Nevertheless, even for them it is challenging. All relationships are challenging.

If monogamy is your preference, the key point here is that we have to recognize that it’s not easy to be exclusive with the same person for years on end and have a satisfactory love life with that one person. You have to focus on it and work at it.

Some key points I believe we all need to take on board, whatever our preferred type of relationship is, are:

• To be less judgmental of self and others around relationship preferences and inclinations;
• To be more open-minded about relationship possibilities, if not for yourself, then at least with others, not everyone has to be the same as you;
• To realise that becoming more aware of your own sexuality, and therefore more open, honest and real about yourself, is a very good thing for yourself and for your relationship(s);
• To be more focused on creating an on-going good sex life that includes diversity and novelty.

I would love to see our society develop in a way that is more inclusive of different kinds of sexuality, including varieties of sexual relatedness. We’ve had a long struggle, which still exists, to open our minds to homosexuality. Now we need to open up to other aspects of sexuality, such as non-monogamy - as well as bisexuality, transsexuality, pansexuality, asexuality, intersexuality, kinky orientations, or any other orientation that goes against rigid definitions of ‘acceptable’ sexuality. As I say so often, as long as it’s between consenting informed adults, it’s fine.

Essentially, as a society, we need to be authentic, honest and non-judgmental.

 Sounds reasonable, but it’s such a big ask in this society, especially when it’s to do with sexuality.

Still, I live and work in hope…

Have you ever had a gigglegasm?

Do you even know what a gigglegasm is?

If you take sex too seriously, if you aren’t comfortable with letting yourself go, then you probably haven’t.

A gigglegasm is when an orgasm turns into uncontrolled laughing. It’s a wonderful thing.

As you know, I’m constantly going on about how sex is playtime for adults, that it’s too important to be taken seriously, that the best sex happens when you lighten up and play. An outcome of that approach is that you can start laughing and find it hard to stop. Great stuff!

Personally, I find gigglegasms generally happens at the end of a long love-making session when feeling high and completely spent at the same time.

One thing known to help keep people young, vital and happy (other than sex) is laughter. So when you get a gigglegasm going you get the best of both worlds – sex AND laughter.

You can have intense orgasms from sexual intensity, you can have blissed out orgasms from sexual sensuality and you can have gigglegasms from just letting go and having fun - which, by the way, can include the intense and the blissful too.

Hee hee hee.

Haa haa haa.

Ho ho ho!

Over my years of clinical and academic involvement in sexuality (not to mention countless hours of personal ‘research’) I have identified seven underlying elements to our sexuality.

These elements are all essential to having a strong, healthy, integrated sexuality. If you are weak in any of them, your sexuality will be out of balance.

These elements are also developmental, each element includes and transcends the ones before. If you jump ahead before you’ve developed and integrated the earlier elements, that too will cause your sexuality to be out of balance.

One: Self-awareness

It all starts with you - having a positive sense of self, centred, confident, balanced in your yin and yang elements. (Of course, we are never ‘perfect’, but without a reasonable level of self-awareness and balance it is not possible to be able to engage with a partner in a healthy manner.)

I call this your ‘Lady’and ‘Gentleman’ sides, someone who is confident, centred and self-aware.

Two: Discernment

Once you've got the hang of yourself, you need take that forward and 'meet' your partner - with equality, assessing for worthiness, identifying boundaries, co-creating safety so you can then explore with freedom.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Amazon’ and ‘The Warrior', someone who is respectful, discerning, relaxed yet alert.

Three: Lightness

Once you've got that connection it's time to play - and you're not going to be able to do that if you're too serious, too in your head, or too laden with negative emotions of shame or pressure!

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Bawd’ and The Merrymaker', someone who is light, playful, shame-less and creative.

Four: Compassion

This is where you open your heart and pay attention to your partner, becoming an

expert on her or him, to really know them. This element is other-focused.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Madonna’ and ‘The Lover', someone who is connected, compassionate, tender and attentive.

Five: Seduction

Once you’ve developed the ability to be other-focused, it's time to be self-focused, for the Art of Seduction is the art of getting someone to do what you want, for your mutual pleasure.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Seductress’ and ‘The Seducer', someone who is inviting, subtle, sensual, enticing.

Six: Virtuosity

Once you’re able to be simultaneously other-focused and self-focused, you can really start to master sex, to be able to lead and revel in your skill:

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Maestra’ and ‘The Maestro', someone who is skillful, commanding, responsible and honourable.

Seven: Letting Go

Once you can do it all, you can let it go! You can let go to your partner and/or to the experience. This is where you discover the transcendent, mystical, spiritual possibilities of sex.

You'll develop the side of yourself that I call 'The Earth Gypsy’ and ‘The Transcender', someone who is open, vulnerable, porous, rapturous.

This is how we evolve in our sexuality. It’s not a hierarchy though, it’s actually a spiral, as the more we evolve through the levels, the more we come back to our Self, with each circuit of the spiral bringing a more aware evolved Self. It’s an unending spiral of growth and possibility!

To learn about this approach to growing sexuality, please register for my online course for men or online course for women (25% discount for both!) or come along to my Couples Retreats in Bali or Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains.

I see a lot of couples who like sex, but somehow they're just not getting around to it.

The higher-desire person is perplexed as to why the lower-desire person doesn’t want sex more often, especially when both parties clearly enjoy it once they actually get around to doing it. And the lower-desire person is confused as to why they find it so hard to have sex when it’s generally not so bad, even brilliant, when they actually do get around to doing it.

And sometimes it's not that there's a higher and lower desire person, they'd both like the idea of it, but it's not happening...

I point out to them that having sex can often be like getting to the gym – you know it’s good for you, you know you’ll enjoy it while you’re there, you know you’ll feel better for doing it, but …it’s still hard to get there in the first place!

There are two principal reasons why it can be a struggle to get to the gym, or to have sex, even though you want to:

1. Too many competing priorities.
2. Laziness.

When you’ve got so much on, and life has become a constant juggling of priorities, it can be hard to set everything aside so that you can focus on sex, without the distraction of all the other things you could be doing. And then again you might just be too tired because you've got so much on.

Couples need to realise that for a lot of people, sex does get like this. It’s not that they don’t like it or don’t want to do it, it’s just hard to create the time and space to do it in.

If this is you: just as if you want to go to the gym, you have to set up support systems in your life that allow you to create the time and space for sex.

The other reason is simply a habit of laziness. Some people just can’t be bothered getting out of their comfort zone, turning off the TV and heading out the door to the gym or up the stairs to the bedroom.

If this is you: get off your butt and into the bedroom – before you get too tired to move!

Note: Of course, these are just a couple of reasons why people don’t have sex, but it’s common enough to rate a special mention. It could be you, or your partner, or both of you - so understand, and then make the changes!