What is the difference between erotic and sleazy or sordid? What is the difference between when something is positive and life-enhancing sexually and when it’s not, when it detracts from life?
 
 I once had a conversation with my 18-year-old son pointing out that telling ribald jokes in front of his 10-year-old sister is not good. “Oh yeah, but Mum, you’ve got dildos in your office,” he replied, implying: “You’re not one to talk”. I pointed out that the work I do is not about dildos per se, it’s about the energy and the emotion behind its use. So, you can take a dildo and turn it into something smutty and disgusting, something that makes the users feel bad about themselves and sex in general, or you can use it a way which makes them feel good about themselves and sex.

I think this is important, because we're so mired in the Male Adolescent Masturbatory Attitude which prevails in our society. Because we’ve suppressed sex for so long, the type of sex that has grown from the 1970s is based on an immature form of male sexuality, which is much more about overt sleaze and less about the internal erotic.
 
 To me, the erotic is something that is deeply moving. It moves you from within; it’s something that turns you on, makes you desire sex, desire love-making - something that makes you want to open to your partner. The erotic is something that takes you places. This is only possible if it comes from a very positive place, if the emotions and feelings that it generates are deep.
 
 Eroticism is not about limiting sexuality; it’s solely about positive sexually. If that eroticism is simple, great; if it’s wild and wicked, great! The only question is: what is the impact on you as a person, on your personal growth and your relationship growth? Is it something that enhances life?
 
 Don’t avoid or cut things out because you think that they’re bad. It’s not the act that’s bad, only where it’s coming from that might be bad. BDSM, anal sex, same sex, insert-your-choice-of-wrong-sex-even-when-it’s-between-consenting-informed-adults-sex can all come from very positive places - just as mainstream under-the-covers sex can be awful if it’s not generating something good. Obligation sex of any kind falls into the bad category.
 
 It’s so important to tap into our eroticism and allow ourselves to become free and open to the sublime potential of our sexuality.

What is the number one thing that makes a man a great lover?

His sensuality.

Without sensuality, when a man makes love to his partner, there can be no real connection. Without that connection, the sex becomes uninteresting, even a turn-off for the woman, and the sex dies.

With sensuality, a man can be both tender and commanding, that wonderful combination of the Yin and Yang of a man. This enables a woman to be both yielding and strong, that wonderful combination of the Yin and Yang of a woman.

What that simply means is that when a man is in touch with his sensuality he can really connect with his woman. This enables her to let go with trust and with desire. She can truly open herself to him. She feels his desire as strong without being aggressive and she can yield and open herself up to it.

With sensuality a man can enable his partner’s “energy” to heat her up to boiling point, so that her sexual response is powerful and ecstatic - way more than just a physical response to genital stimulation . You see, when a man tunes into his sensuality his skill as a lover goes way past his physical “technique”. It becomes much less about his “doing” than his “being”. He doesn’t become a great lover by “doing” the right thing with clever tricks and techniques, he becomes a great lover by “being” sensual, by being in tune with himself and his partner at all levels of physicality, as well as emotionally, energetically and spiritually.

Becoming a sensual man is not about becoming an insipid New Age Wimp - far from it. To be truly sensual, a man needs to be strong, he needs to be able to hold his woman with exquisite tenderness and take her to magical places. Not that it needs be all soft. A man in tune with the sensuality of connection can get into rough play or BDSM (Bondage, Discipline and Sado-Masochism), but because he is in tune, because he is coming from a sensual place, he holds his partner safe as they together explore these “darker” areas of sexuality.

What’s more, he will be in tune enough to know how far to go.

A sensual man is a complete man, one capable of making extraordinary love with his partner. And the best news of all - a man can become more sensual with age, and thereby become a better lover with age!

To learn to be a great lover, enrol in my online course for men - Black Belt in the Bedroom!

Think about how you use your senses as you make love. Do you use all your senses? Do you engage with the whole of your partner’s body, or just a few bits?
 
 As you become more sensual in your lovemaking, sex becomes less ‘sexual’, focused on ‘getting your rocks off’, and becomes more ‘sensual’, more loving. Although paradoxically, sensuality also feeds sexuality: the more in tune you are with your senses and the more you use them and enjoy the sensual nature of lovemaking, the more intensely you’ll experience sex.
 
 You need to reawaken your senses, to re-engage with life. The sensual realm is the physical realm, but it’s a lot more than just superficial appearances. Embrace the sensual and you’ll connect with your body at a deep level and increase your energy, both of which will heighten your desire for sex and your enjoyment of it.

This shift to sensuality is doubly important when you apply it to your own body image - this is a message particularly important to women. The media brainwashes us to believe that “sexy” equals the type of body that most women only have in their youth, if even then. That’s why I advocate letting go of the “sexy” stuff and embracing the sensual. “Sexy” does have this image of a perfect, young body that’s horny and lusty and ready to go. Not the way most women generally feel.
 
 Now consider the concept of “sensual”. It’s softer, rounder, gentler, full of depth and warmth – rather like the bodies of women! Sex between long-term lovers is like this too, less raunchy and a whole lot more loving and gorgeous (not to imply that it can’t be incredibly raunchy too, it just doesn’t have to conform to raunchy stereotypes). It’s the type of sex you can only have with a long-term partner, and the type of sex you can only have if you appreciate your gorgeous, sensual body.
 
 You’re not going to absorb this message from the mass media, so you’re going to have make the mind-shift yourself. Think sensual: 

• Think sensual in the shower: rub soap over yourself and love the softness and the roundness; 
• Think sensual as you move through the day: feel your hips swaying, your breasts moving (picture how full-figured African or Latin American women move, it’s poetry); 
• Think sensual as your partner caresses your curves; 
• Think sensual as you caress your own curves when you make love. 

 Loving your body is a challenge for most people, men as well as women, and the challenge is harder as we age and become less like the media-generated idealised image of sexy. But if you can let go of that unrealistic ideal and embrace your body for what it is in all its sensuous gorgeousness, you will in fact feel sexy, naturally sexy, just as you are. 

I'm often asked what's the difference between sex therapy and coaching, and where Tantra fits in.
 
 In a nutshell, Sex Therapy fixes sexual dysfunctions to make people sexually functional. Sex and Relationship Coaching, takes functional people and makes them exceptional. As I do both, I can help you fix the problems, and then take you beyond - far beyond - into the realm of exceptional! That's where the Tantra comes in. 

What is Sex Therapy? 
 Sex Therapy is a modality of sexual healing to help people with sexual dysfunctions become sexually functional. This involves addressing the psychological barriers to sexual health and well-being as well as providing sexual education and correction of limiting or false beliefs around sex and sexuality. Once healing has occurred, Sex Coaching can then take the individual or client to greater sexual awareness and fulfillment.
 
What is Sex Coaching? 
 Sex Coaching is pathway for sexual growth. Sex Coaching is a client-focused approach that works with sexually functional individuals and couples to enable them to deepen and expand their experience of sex, love and intimacy. Depending on the needs of the client, it may include ancient and esoteric teachings (see Tantra Teaching), sex education and instruction. The Coach helps the client to discover and enhance their own eroticism to create a love life that is one of ongoing growth and fulfillment.
 
What is Relationship Coaching? 
 Relationship coaching is a professional client-focused service where an essentially functional individual or couple is guided to create their desired relationship with effective support and information. The Coach enables the client(s) to become clear about their needs, hopes and desires, and to develop understandings and strategies to achieve these in a mutually supportive way. While past hurts and history may be addressed, the focus is more on moving forward, with the aim of enabling ongoing personal and relationship growth.
 
What is Tantra Teaching? 
 Tantra is a spiritual and energetic approach to sex and life that comes from ancient India. Along with the Taoists of China and Qidosha from North America, these approaches to sex, love and intimacy are much broader and deeper than conventional western understandings. Through practices that include breathing, mindfulness, moving energy and sensual touch, you will learn to connect with your partner is a way that is real, deep, erotic, poetic and intensely beautiful. Tantra sessions do not involve nudity or intimate touch - that’s the homework! 

There are three important points to understand about conflict: 

1. Conflict is a perfectly normal part of a relationship. It’s impossible for two people to be so alike that they share exactly the same views and values and feelings as their partner. In fact, if there isn’t any conflict in your relationship, there’s something fishy going on: it could be that there’s a strong power play where one person’s view has precedence over the others, or maybe you’re simply avoiding issues so as to avoid ‘conflict’. 
2. Not all apparent conflict is actually a conflict. Sometimes it’s just like a drunk shadow-boxing in a bar - you don’t have to get involved. Just because your partner is flustered or even angry, it doesn’t mean you have to engage in a fight. So, if your partner says or does something that makes you feel you’ve got a conflict on your hands, check in with yourself first to determine whether you really do need to get involved. 
3. If it really is a conflict, a point of disagreement or misunderstanding between the two of you, this is not necessarily a bad thing. Difference is good, it can be a source of creative energy that can make your relationship better and more interesting. And it certainly doesn’t have to escalate into a fight.

So, how do we use difference creatively, rather than destructively?... 

Any interchange between people has a flow of energy. If you have opposing views and try to block the energy between you, you’ll either have a stalemate or the stronger person will win, neither of which is a good outcome. So, try not to block that energy by being stubborn or rigid. Be open to it and see where it takes you. Flow with it, but don’t be swept away. Accept the direction the discussion takes and explore it.
 
To be able to let the energies flow it’s important that you’re strong within yourself. The ancient Chinese text “The Art of War” states that the fiercest enemy is one who is not afraid to die. What this means in a modern context is that if you're not attached to an outcome, you can’t be hurt. If you’re fixed on a certain outcome, or if you’re fearful of a negative response, you’re vulnerable. But when you stay open to your partner’s opinions, you actually hear your partner. This keeps both of you calmer, so you can be flexible, and you’re much more likely to manage the interaction smoothly and have a satisfactory outcome.
 
 In practical terms, this means: 

1. Maintain an attitude of curiosity and openness.
2. Seek clarity of feelings, views and options. Aim for mutual understanding.
3. Stick to the point, avoid dragging in other issues or past events. Be concise and specific.
4. Avoid escalating the problem with criticism. Be honest but tactful.
5. Try to keep it light but not flippant or sarcastic, which can appear disrespectful.
6. Be willing to compromise. Don’t give in, but don’t be stubborn, co-create a happy medium. Remember that it’s more important to be happy than to be ‘right’. If you’re not ‘right’ it doesn’t mean you’re ‘wrong’. Your relationship is not a competition; you’re on the same team!

It's also important that you know your own anger style - what your buttons are, what sets you off. You need to know your “red flags” so you can be prepared if they arise. And keep in mind that your anger response might not necessarily be ranting and raving, it could be clamming up and refusing to discuss an issue, which is just as ineffective as yelling.
 
 And always be prepared to say you’re sorry. The genuine apology is a Noble Quality, and a major tool in a smooth life. 

One of the main reasons women don’t reach their orgasmic potential, and why men miss out on the pleasure of their woman reaching that level, is that they go too far too soon.
 
 A woman’s body opens in stages. If you rush the process, she won’t be able to get there. If you kiss her before she’s ready, she won’t like it. If you touch her breasts before she’s ready, she’ll be repulsed and feel like you’re groping her. If you get genital before she’s ready it will feel unpleasant, even painful, and if you enter her before she’s ready she’ll feel used/abused/bored/in pain/contemptuous, or any number of negative emotions far from the ecstatic pleasure that her man is hoping for.
 
 Women do not have an on/off button. The clitoris is not for turning a woman on, she must be aroused before you get genital with her. A woman needs to progress in stages.

Firstly, you need to have a good connection, be getting on well, with her feeling relaxed and enjoying her man’s company.
 
 Then you can kiss her, if her head and mouth are moving towards you.
 
 If the kiss is doing its work, her breasts will rise and move towards you. That’s the sign she wants her breasts caressed.
 
 If she’s enjoying the kissing and caressing (with the caressing extending to other non-genital parts of the body - shoulders, lower back, buttocks, thighs and more) then her pelvis will start moving and she’ll be ready for genital touch.
 
 If the genital touch is good, she’ll be getting aroused enough to want her man’s cock inside her. She’ll be aching for it. Her legs will be apart and hips pressing up. She’ll be wanting him to enter her warm, moist depths. Then, and only then, should the penis enter the vagina.
 
 Women as much as men rush the process, thinking that all the preliminaries are not needed, or there’s something wrong with her if she needs lots of lead up. There isn’t, it’s normal. And in fact, it’s all the warming up that’s the good bit! The intercourse is simply part of the wider range of pleasurable and ecstatic activities you can do and sensations you can feel.
 
 It’s fantastic for the man too. Men love warming their woman up, they love the sensual and connecting parts of sex. Every man I’ve ever spoken to (and I’ve spoken to countless men in intimate detail) has said that the best part of sex is getting his woman off, giving her pleasure. So, for both of you to have exquisite pleasure, make sure you pace it to match her arousal. It is so worth it.

Breathing (like sex) is one of things we do in life that is considered ‘natural’ and so we believe it should function automatically without any attention or conscious effort on our part.

However, without this attention, breathing (like sex) generally worsens over time, becoming less effective and therefore less supportive to your health and wellbeing.

When we are little babies, we naturally breathe deep into our torsos, down into our bellies. When a baby is lying on its back you can see it’s little tummy going up and down as it breathes in and out. As we get older though, our breathing tends to get shallower and shallower. With some people their breathing gets so shallow that they are barely breathing lower than their shoulders, barely using their lungs at all. For the great majority of people the breath doesn’t get much lower than that, just the upper chest is used to breathe.

Take a moment to observe how deeply into your torso you breathe. Is it the upper chest, the full diaphragm? Or is your breath going deep into your belly, so you can see your abdomen rising with the in breath and falling with the out breath?

The more shallowly you breathe, the more anxious you feel, and vice versa.

Breathing into your belly has so many benefits:

When your lover is in absentia, it opens up wonderful possibilities for ‘distance sex’. With the range of technologies available these days, there’s no need to go celibate simply because your loved one’s not lying-in bed next to you. In fact, absence can not only make the heart grow fonder, but it can also make the loins grow hotter!
 
 So here are some pointers.

Keep it Real 
 
 Just because you’re talking sex with your lover, doesn’t mean you have to go all slutty and dirty like the paid phone sex girls - unless that’s your thing! If you think you have to be something other than who you really are, then you’re going to feel awkward and it’s not going to feel good for either of you. So be yourself - mostly…
 
Push it a Little 
 
 Having said that, this is your opportunity to play and fantasise. I’ve had clients make amazing strides forward in opening to each other, by being playful in their phone/email/skype/text sex. You can start to push your comfort zones a little, because it’s safe, it’s just words!
 
Start Simple 
 
 If you’re wondering how to start, keep it simple. A comment like: “I was thinking about you last night in bed…” could be enough to get things going if your partner replies with: “Oh, yes, and what were you thinking…” From there you can start to describe something fairly normal for you, such as: “I was thinking how wonderful it feels when you caress my skin…” Then continue describing something that you regularly do and would like to be doing with your partner or describe some particularly good sex that you have had in the past.
 
Get Creative
 
 Once you’re comfortable with the general idea of talking about sex and describing sex with your partner, then you can start getting creative. You can ask each other questions such as: 

• ‘What’s one thing we haven’t done that you’d like to do?’ 
• ‘What’s something you’d like to do with me that you wish you (or I) were brave enough?’ 
• ‘What’s something you wouldn’t actually want to do in real life, but the thought of it turns you on?’ 

Once you’ve got the germ of an idea, play with it. Put yourself in that situation and imagine how it might be.
 
The World’s Your Oyster 
 
 In fact, you might find it easier to be totally in fantasy land. Pretend you’re in another age, or another culture, even another planet! What periods of history do you find sexiest? Perhaps a book or movie has inspired you. Could you be a pirate queen with her captive, the sultan or chief courtesan in a Turkish harem, lords, and ladies in the court of King Louis, slaves or guests at an orgy in Roman times…? The possibilities are endless. Start describing any of these scenarios to your partner and see where it takes you!
 
Get Your Partner Involved 
 
 You don’t have to do all the work! Ask your partner questions along the way, get them to suggest what they’d like or how they’d like the conversation to go. That makes it twice the fun!
 
Keep it Light 
 
 If the conversation starts going in a direction you don’t feel comfortable with, don’t panic! Let your partner know that that’s enough for the time being, to be continued later. Or steer the conversation back in a direction you do feel comfortable with. You can always start with: “Oh, I don’t think so! I think this might happen…” Keep it light, keep it playful.
 
Don’t Take Anything Personally 
 
 Importantly, if your partner says anything that upsets you, don’t turn nasty and take it out on your partner. You need to realise that you’re both playing with your boundaries here, you’re both testing ideas and thoughts, it’s as much a learning experience as a sexual experience.
 
Cheat 
 
 If you’re really stuck with what to say, get a book of erotica and read one of the short stories to your partner. That could be enough in itself or be the basis of further discussion….
 
 Like anything, it can be awkward to get started, but you get better with practice. You’ll probably surprise yourself with just how creative you can get! 

Sex is the one thing in life we seem to think should just happen “naturally” without any focused attention and study. This is completely absurd, and one of the reasons why people don’t have good sex lives! 

The only “natural” part of sex is the basic putting-penis-into-vagina, which anyone can manage with a modicum of bumbling and fumbling around. To do any more than that requires application and research.
 
 Yes, research - trying things out, exploring, making mistakes, being creative, and discussing what you’re discovering.
 
 I take my research seriously. As my partner said to me with a mock pout not long after we got together: “I’m just a guinea-pig to you, aren’t I?” I had to agree it was true to an extent. I want to know what he’s doing when it feels good to me, what I’m doing when it feels good to him, how it feels with subtle changes and different approaches. This is how we get to know each other’s bodies, arousal, and eroticism. Without that we’d just be thrashing around in the dark.
 
 I tell my clients and workshop participants, get down and have a good look at your genitals and your partner’s genitals. Go for an exploration, with sensual touch of course, and get to know your genitals thoroughly. Get to know what feels good, where, and how. Get to know how the feeling changes with different states of arousal. Explore different feelings and sensations. Find different ways to get to orgasm and experience different types of orgasm.
 
 Ideally your early sexual experiences would have had a strong element of natural curiosity (fortunately mine did, I was blessed with a wonderful young lover). You would have been two young people exploring and discovering with gentleness and opening to the full potential of their sexuality. Then you would have carried this sense of curiosity throughout your lives, constantly seeking to explore and discover your partner and find ever more wonderful ways of connecting.
 
 Unfortunately, most people’s early sexual experiences were nowhere near as tender and beautiful as this. More likely they had the opposite effect, shutting people down early on and making them reluctant to expand.
 
 Even if it did start well, you can easily fall into the know-each-other-too-well syndrome, where you get locked into views of each other and feel there’s nothing more to explore. You accept that you’re just the way you are and sex is going to be just the way it is (which usually means it gets gradually worse over time).
 
 Worse still, and so common, is that people lose their sense of self in the relationship and can no longer
 push their boundaries for fear of the other’s reaction. This more than anything keeps people locked into routine sex: “I’m not going to say or do anything for fear of how my partner might respond!”
 
 But you have to do your research, and you have to discuss what you find with each other - unless you’re single and doing solo sex research, which is also very important. That means talking about it, as you do it and after you do it.
 
 Considering your sexual experimentation as “research” can make it easier to do and easier to discuss. If you know you’re experimenting, then it matters less if you “fail”, in fact, finding what doesn’t work or feel good is just as important as finding out what does.
 
 It’s a collaborative project, team-work, you’re both on the same side seeking the same outcomes. With this approach, you can’t get it wrong.
 
 And you know what? It’s fun! 

Do you love unconditionally, or are there conditions to your love? You might have some romantic illusion that your love is pure, but really, it probably comes with a lot of strings attached. “I will love you if you love me” is the most obvious. Then there is: “I will love you if you are nice to me”, “I will love you if you share my values and beliefs”, “I will love you if you agree with me”, “I will love you if you validate me”.
 
 You might think you love the other person, but are there these requirements that come along with it? Do you really love the other person for who they are and who they’ve become over your time together? Or do you love your version of who you’d like them to be, or who you’ve convinced yourself they are? Do they need to fit some image of who you think or want your partner to be?
 
 What are these conditions based on? Generally, fear. The inability to validate yourself creates a need to have the other validate you, to make you feel ok about yourself and your own values, beliefs, and world view. 

This conditional loving commonly goes both ways. Both partners have entered into an unwritten agreement that they will validate the other so that their unit stands strong. Neither will risk upsetting the other by challenging their norm or challenging these unwritten conditions they’ve both ascribed to.
 
 Until things go pear-shaped. And the reality that they are both living in a fantasy world that they both adhered to becomes apparent. One or both becomes so miserable that they just can’t do it any longer. The pretence is too hard. They feel too stifled or too unappreciated, too used or too abused. This will present as some kind of crisis - a health breakdown, mental breakdown, an affair, a mid-life crisis, a major change in behaviour, a complete withdrawal, walking out on the relationship seemingly out of nowhere…
 
 When this happens you have three choices:
 
 1. Separate and take your dysfunctions out into a new relationship, feeling bitter and twisted about the one you just left;
 
 2. Stay in the relationship and flat-line, not addressing the issues, covering them up and pretending everything’s ok (until the next crisis emerges);
 
 3. Learn to self-validate.
 
 Most people choose the first two options. They are the easier ones.
 
 I recommend the third. It’s hard though, hence the benefit in having someone like me help you with it. To start, you must be able to examine yourself so openly and honestly that you can know and accept your flaws, and your strengths, and know that your world view is simply that, yours. The next is to be able to accept the reality of your partner in their entirety, warts and all. That requires open, honest and real communication. Genuine sharing - and this is the most important point of all - without needing them to validate you. That means you don’t get defensive, you don’t tell them they’re wrong, you listen and feel and accept with a completely open heart. Don’t get me wrong, this is not easy. But it’s the only way that two people can be real with each other and thereby grow as individuals and as a couple. No defences, genuine meeting.
 
 If in doing this you realise that the other person is not for you, or you’re not for them, then fine, you end the relationship with maturity and love and walk away as a whole person, not one desperately seeking validation elsewhere.
 
 This is the beauty of relationship. David Schnarch calls it ‘the sexual crucible’, it’s how relationship allows you to grow, if you let it, if you’re willing to do the work.
 
 Otherwise, be bitter, or flat-line. It’s your choice. It’s all your choice, once you realise it’s your choice. You don’t have to bind another to you with conditional love, and you don’t have to be bound by it.
 
 You can both love unconditionally. You can both be free. If you're brave enough.
 
 And need I say, sex within an unconditionally loving relationship is far far better as you can both let yourselves go with realness and genuine passion.