From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My wife and I have been married for 10 years. We have a great sex life and we tell each other everything - so why won't she masturbate in front of me? I think that it's hot and would bring us closer together, but she says it's embarrassing. I want to do it in front of her as well, but she thinks it's too private. How can she think this when we've lived together for more than 10 years? Am I being unreasonable? Should I just give up or keep trying?"

Answer:Imagine if there was something your wife wanted you to do, but you found the thought of it excruciatingly embarrassing. Let’s say she wanted you to do a striptease for her, yet you’d rather swallow broken glass than prance around in front of her removing your clothes. (If you actually think that’s a hot idea the analogy won’t work for you, but I’m sure you get my drift.) The essence of what I am saying here is that it’s very hard to do something sexual if you find it embarrassing. In fact, it’s hard to engage in anything sexual if you don’t find it a turn on.

You might think I’m contradicting my advice in my last column where I said that kissing is essential, not optional. That’s because it is a necessary part of connecting and growing in desire and arousal. So, my advice to that reader was to find out how they each liked to kiss and find an approach and style that they both liked.

Masturbating in front of your partner is different, it’s just one of many things you can do once you’re already in the mood and sexually engaged. It’s a nice-to-have, not a must-have. It’s a fantasy of yours, but it’s not a fantasy of hers, in fact it’s the opposite, it’s a turn-off.

Does that mean you should give up? Not necessarily. There’s more to explore here, to see if you can entice her into joining in with your fantasy and finding pleasure in it herself. Note that I use the word ’entice’. You need to make your desire inviting. If you are being too direct, too intense, and definitely if you are being too whiny about it, that’s not seductive. Seduction is the art of getting the other person to do what you want, for your mutual pleasure. That means you to have to be inviting, alluring, enticing.

And while we’re talking about words, let’s look at the words you’re using. You say you want her to ‘masturbate in front of you’, yet the word ‘masturbate’ is generally associated with solo activity done alone. As she says, she finds it private. There’s no particular reason why it should be only solo activity, other than thousands of years of social expectation that it should be. Add to those thousands of years a belief that masturbation is somehow wrong and shameful, you can see why a lot of people still have negative associations with it, and why it might feel weird and embarrassing to do it with a partner.

So, let’s reframe it a little. Rather than using the term ‘masturbate’, which, let’s face it, is not a very erotic or sensual word, and use different, more enticing terminology. Letting her know that you find the idea of her touching herself a turn-on, is a softer way of introducing the concept. Can you see the difference between: “I want you to masturbate in front of me, it’s hot” and “The thought of you touching yourself turns me on”? The language and approach of the first is direct and blunt whereas the language and approach of the second is gentle and enticing.

Now let’s take this a little further. Share with her your fantasy, tell it as a story. It’s not something she has to do, it’s just a story of what turns you on. When there’s no pressure to act on your partner’s fantasy, it’s easier to hear, and that opens up space to enjoy the concept of the fantasy, and maybe (although not necessarily) find the pleasure in the act too.

Here’s a different angle: your question implies that she does masturbate on her own, and is comfortable with that, the problem is that she doesn’t want to do it front of you. So let’s explore ways in which she could do it without you seeing her. Imagine if you were blindfolded. That might give her enough psychological safety to give it a go. You wouldn’t be able to see her, but you could hear her, and feel her movements in the bed. That could be very arousing, and get her gradually used to it. Another idea is to encourage her to touch herself during intercourse when you’re in a position where you can’t see what she’s doing, eg from behind, or if the lights are out. As she gets more comfortable with these approaches you can change the situation to make it more overt, at a pace and within the boundaries that she feels good about.

Have a chat with her and see if any of these approaches would work for her, and you never know, your fantasy might gradually come true. And if it doesn’t, well, there are plenty of other ways to enjoy sexual pleasure together.

If you look at all the other sex advice sites on the Internet you’d think the secret to great sex was only through sex toys. If you read the advice in popular magazines you’d think the secret to great sex was only through being in some fabulous position. And if you read the advice in the endless spam that gets past your email junk folder, you’d think it was only in some little blue pill.

But no. Great sex does not come only from pills, props or positions.

Sure, they can help. Lots of things can help, but pills, props and positions – the Three Ps - are only the icing on the cake.

You need to know how to make a great cake before you ice it.

You need to know about making the time and the place, about surrender and sensuality, about intimacy and eroticism. That’s the starting point of great sex.

Then if you want to add a few toys or try out some new positions (and possibly even try pills or sprays to aid erection – but only under medical advice), then go for it. But a dildo on its own won’t spice up a flagging sex life.

Let’s look at something really basic to see what I mean - good ol’ fashioned missionary position: man on top, woman on bottom.

Try it like this:

• She semi-reclines on a bed of pillows wearing a silk chemise while he feeds her cherries as he moves within her;
• She moves to the side of the bed and dangles her head over the edge;
• She puts her feet on his chest;
• Or crossed behind his back;
• Or one up and one down;
• They roll off the bed and continue on a bear rug on the floor;
• She lies blindfolded, listening to music through headphones as he moves at a consistent rhythm;
• They play trance house music and move to the beat that goes on and on and on…
• Her hips are slightly raised. He kneels before her. He’s deep inside without moving and she grinds her pelvis slowly, delicately, with tiny, little movements and she feels the tingle build to a charge that spreads throughout her body;
• They lie together barely moving, looking into each other’s eyes, and keep on looking past the point of comfort until they pass into another realm;
• He changes the depth and pattern of his thrusts - four shallow to one deep;
• He increases the depth of his thrusts in a series of seven, each a little deeper than before;
• She raises herself on her arms and thrusts hard back at him as he thrusts hard into her;
• He keeps his eyes open looking at her as he comes;
• She does the same;
• He grinds his hips instead of thrusting;
• She squeezes her vaginal muscles with each of his withdrawals;
• They do it on the kitchen table, still clothed, both so hot after a luscious evening out…


And I haven’t even started on what they might be doing with their hands and mouths as this is going on.

Add passionate kisses, licks or bites to the neck, fondling and kissing of breasts, tweaking of nipples (his and hers), stimulation of clitoris with fingers, inserting of fingers into vagina along with penis (his or hers), sucking of her toes, pulling of hair, stroking of bodies in general…

So, is missionary really all that boring? Wouldn't a few subtle shifts make a such a difference...?

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: "My husband and I have been happily married for 10 years and recently he's wanted a lot more sex. At first, I thought it was great, but he can't seem to keep his erection up and I can't help but feel disappointed. He's started smoking marijuana a lot more heavily lately - could this be to blame? What can I do?"

Answer: There is so much pressure on penises. The poor things are supposed to rise to attention on command, stay hard for hours, only ejaculate when desired - and if they can’t do that, then the sex is considered poor, he has 'failed'. No wonder so many men suffer from performance anxiety!

As a society we’re adding to that pressure with all the porn that’s being watched, with endless footage of big hard cocks that appear to last for hours (never mind the reality that there are teams of women off set whose sole role is to keep the leads hard). And even on a more positive note, now that we quite rightly acknowledge the female partner’s right to pleasure, that can also add to pressure.

So, let’s take the pressure off your partner’s penis by looking at sex more holistically and what you can do as a couple to reduce any pressure he might be feeling.

But first, let’s address your question about marijuana and erections. Smoking marijuana can increase desire, which may be why he’s more interested lately (in many men though it can have the opposite effect, so readers, please don’t take up smoking pot to increase desire!). Theoretically it could adversely affect erections as there are cannabinoid receptors in the smooth muscle tissue of the penis. However, there isn’t much scientific evidence to show that this does happen.

But, and this is a big but, if he mixes the marijuana with tobacco, then the tobacco could be affecting his erections. Smoking tobacco restricts blood flow to the veins and arteries, and if there is one part of the body you want good flow to, it’s the penis! Men who smoke tobacco are much more likely to have erectile problems.

At a psychological level, some people find that smoking pot increases anxiety. So, if he’s having sex when stoned and some performance anxiety kicks in, it could be worse than if he’s sober.

On the topic of anxiety, I’m curious as to why he’s smoking so much. Is he more stressed in life? Does he feel he needs it to relax? Because if that’s the case, the underlying stress is still there even if he’s covering it by getting stoned. It’s even possible that stress is lowering his libido so he’s smoking to increase it, possibly to please you, and is indirectly putting more pressure on himself.

As you can see, there are a lot of unknowns here, so you two really need to get talking. I’d be talking to him at two levels. Firstly, why is he smoking heavily? What’s going on in life that he feels he needs it. Is there underlying stress or anxiety that he is effectively self-medicating for? Based on that discussion, you may well be able to work together to reduce his stress and that could have the outcome of a more satisfying sex life. Professional help could help him and you as a couple if this is a challenge for you.

The other important topic of discussion is: how does he feel about sex and how you engage sexually as a couple? Explore what’s going on for him throughout the varies stages of your sexual encounter. Are there moments or periods of stress? How can you support him to ease those feelings and return to a calmly engaged state? Do either or both of you have unrealistic expectations?

Get more information on what’s going on for him (and you) so that you can look at ways to do it differently. Get used to the fact that penises rise and fall, get used to making love with a soft penis. There are so many ways to have sex without an erection (hey, lesbians do it all the time!).

If you want something hard and phallic inside and there’s no erection on hand to satisfy, well then, he can use his hands! Talented digital stimulation of the vagina is a wonderful thing. Or use toys - dexterous use of dildos and vibrators is a similarly excellent experience. Or check out the pantry and grab a carrot, or a zucchini, or a … you get the picture!

I was on talk back radio once and a lovely man called up to say ever since he became impotent due to a heart condition, he and his wife had been having better sex than ever, because he’d become so skilful with his hands!

The erection, like quality sex, will ebb and flow. As your lovemaking becomes more fluid and responsive, you’ll flow with the state of the penis - if it’s hard, go for the shag, if it’s not, go for the myriad other pleasures that don’t require a rock-hard cock.

You’ll find that with this attitude, paradoxically there will be less stress and therefore more erections anyway!

Gabriel Garcia Marquez wrote the acclaimed novel 'Love in the Time of Cholera'. Now I'd like to write about 'Love in the Time of COVID'.

It would be easy to say there are more important things to focus on right now, but what is more important at this time than love and relating? And what better time to bring this to the fore, than now, when we are isolating ourselves?

So many of my clients say that they don't have time to connect. They are either too busy, too stressed, or exhausted - and their relationships and intimacy suffer as a consequence. With this crisis, we can't be busy (except for our wonderful health professionals who are working so hard to protect us). A client case from this week exemplifies this. They'd had to cancel their overseas wedding scheduled for next month. As sad as this was, there was also a feeling of time and space, time to stop being so incredibly rushed and overwhelmed. Time to refresh and rejuvenate. Time to let their souls catch up.

As a society as a whole we need time for our souls to catch up. Yes, it is an unknown time, and certainly for vulnerable segments of the population, a scary time. I don't wish to downplay that side of this crisis. That too is very real. (I have elderly parents, a brother with leukemia and a son living overseas. I worry for them.)

Yet the positive side of this crisis is that we are being forced to slow down, to do less, to simplify, which gives us space to go inward. We can let our overactive nervous systems quieten and find an inner calm and equilibrium. It is from this space that we can connect with the vital life energy that is our sexual energy. Not the intense 'horniness' that we normally think of as sexual energy, but a beautiful aliveness, a fullness, an awareness. We can feel it and let it flow through our body, it can awaken our hearts.

If you have a partner, you can allow the potency of this vital love-sex energy to flow between you. Allow yourself to settle, and from this calm space, open and share with your partner, verbally, emotionally, physically. Let yourselves grow, individually and relationally.

I always encourage my clients to spend time simply chatting with their partner, not talking about logistics, but talking about life, the universe and everything, in particular, talking about yourselves. Use this to get to know yourselves more deeply, to understand your relationship and your intimacy better.

You might like to read articles from myLoveLife Blog - you might even get through all 302 of them! There's so much good, free information there. Or if you prefer, listen to the podcasts. This is a great thing to do together if you have a partner as it gives you something to focus on and discuss.

If you want to go into more depth and really use this time to evolve in understanding and experience, I recommend you do my online courses for men and women.

Let's use this time to quieten, to reflect, learn and grow. It will pass, and maybe we will come out the other side with a new perspective, a reclaimed ability to feel connected within and between. Every crisis is an opportunity for growth. This crisis is providing us with that precious commodity of time, of stillness. Let's use it to grow in compassion, understanding and awareness.

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: I’ve been seeing my new boyfriend for six months. We’re really well suited, in and out of the bedroom, but there’s something troubling me. He doesn’t climax when I go down on him. I’m 32 and haven’t encountered this before. He says he loves what I do, but I’m starting to get a bit of a complex about it. What do you think?

Answer: We’re a little too focused on our sexual KPIs (key performance indicators) in this society. Sex has to ‘achieve’ something, it’s goal-focused, and that goal is orgasm. And not just any orgasm, a very specific peak orgasm. If you don’t achieve that, you haven’t performed up to standard. You’ve failed.

But wait up a moment, that performance approach might be appropriate in the workplace, where there are quotas and deadlines and outcomes to be met – but in the bedroom? Do we need to take that performance focus into our sex lives, with all the pressure and expectation that accompanies it? Where’s the enjoyment in that?

I say a big no to the performance model of sex!Of the countless clients I see with sexual ‘dysfunctions’, the bulk of them are actually perfectly fine, it’s the model they’re trying to operate within that’s the problem. Seriously, we can’t all be that sexually dysfunctional. I may be a one-woman campaigner here, but hello world, it’s the model of sex that’s dysfunctional, not the people.

It’s not surprising really. We had thousands of years of sexual suppression. In that time, we brought up our girls to know nothing about their sexuality (even today most girls grow up knowing very little – did your mother talk to you about your clitoris? Did she discuss with you how to relate to your lover for maximum pleasure?), and all the boys knew was masturbation. So, with no other information, when they got married, the husband would continue to ‘masturbate’ inside his wife’s vagina. Think about it – masturbation has three parts to it: first you have to be horny, then the main focus is the genital friction (anything else is just ‘foreplay’) and it finishes with his ejaculation. When the sexual revolution happened in the 60s and 70s, the only model of sex we had was this one, and it has stuck and if anything has become more entrenched

Throw away that masturbatory model, which is fine for solo sex, and instead embrace a model of partnered sex that focuses on pleasure, intimacy, connection, fun, and all those good things. Sex is about two people coming together and having a co-created experience. It’s not two people coming together and getting each other off. Sure, orgasms are great, but they are an outcome of sex, not the point of it.

Now back to you and your non-ejaculating boyfriend. Can you see that your question is based on the assumption that he ‘should’ ejaculate and that you ‘should’ give him that ejaculation. Yet, he says he’s loving it!

The problem here is the expectation of what it should be, rather than the enjoyment of the experience. If he’s loving it then you’re engaging in a really positive way. If he really needs to ejaculate, chances are he can do that through intercourse.

So you’re feeling bad because of the pressure you’re putting on yourself to give him an orgasm, and no doubt you’re also putting pressure on him to orgasm. If there’s one thing that gets in the way of orgasm, it’s the pressure to orgasm. If he knows that you are frustrated with his lack of orgasm, that is going to cause him pressure, which is going to make his orgasm even more unlikely.

Relax. If you’re enjoying giving him oral, and he’s enjoying receiving it, then that’s pleasure, that’s connection, that’s what partnered sex is all about. And with this approach, focusing on the experience not the outcome, you’re actually going to be more likely to have orgasm be part of that experience. No pressure though!

To have great sex you need to be able to switch off and focus at the same time: switch off from the rest of the world and focus on what's happening right here and right now. You need to be able to lose yourself into the experience.

One of the main reasons I hear that people have trouble getting into sex or getting around to sex is that they can't switch off and become present to the connection, so clearly this is a skill that modern people need. Even if you are having decent sex, improving your ability to let go and be present in the experience will make the sex better and better.

So how to learn that skill? Learn to meditate! The better you get at meditating, the easier it is for you to sink in to sex.

It’s that ability to ‘sink in’ to yourself, that deep, calm feeling that’s so good for sex. This is especially so for long-term partners, where the 'va-va-voom let’s-go-for-it-baby' approach, that you might have had in the early days, has waned. Well, let’s face it, when you’ve been cleaning the house, putting the kids to bed, catching up on emails, watching the late news…it’s not exactly va-va-voom material is it?

To connect well sexually in a long-term relationship, you need to be able to ‘sink in’ to sex rather than jump in passionately. There are external and internal elements to this. I’ve written a lot about having a lovely bedroom, a boudoir, so that your surroundings can help get you in the mood. That’s the external aspects of getting in the mood. On the internal side, it’s about being able to sink in and let go. A regular meditation practice helps with this.

Meditating is so simple: all you need to do is sit quietly for five to 20 minutes. Play some music that relaxes you, sit comfortably in a chair or on a meditation cushion, and focus on your breath. That’s all. Simple, but not so easy. You’ll find your mind wanders. A lot. That’s fine, that’s what our minds do. When it wanders simply notice that it is wandering and bring your focus back to your breath. Over time you’ll find that it wanders less and you’ll feel a ‘sinking in’ feeling more easily. Find a meditation class or group to help get you started.

With practice you’ll find that this really helps with sex. Augment it with many other connecting activities such as a bath, a massage, a cup of tea or glass of wine, a walk after dinner, or whatever is your unique way of transitioning from life to sex, and you’ll find that sex becomes easier and easier and more and more delicious!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question: My husband of 10 years and I have recently started seeing a marriage counsellor, and I feel like she’s on his side, and our sex life is ruined because of it. Why? Because my husband doesn’t like to kiss deeply, and the counsellor says he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to. Kissing has always been a point of contention in our relationship, because I love a good, deep kiss and it seems to me like a cornerstone in sexual intimacy. But now he’s flat-out refusing, and is very smug about it. We started seeing a counsellor because we had drifted apart. Is this the final straw to make me end our marriage completely?

Answer: This is why you should always see a couples therapist who is trained in sexuality as well as relationships. This situation is far more complex than ‘he doesn’t have to if he doesn’t want to’. Can you imagine going to a dietitian because your health was bad, in part because you don’t eat vegetables and being told by the dietitian that you don’t have to eat vegetables if you don’t want to? That would be absurd! We know that vegetables are an essential part of a good diet and no authority on the subject would tell someone they don’t have to eat them simply because they don’t like them. Quite the opposite, the dietitian would explain why vegetables are so important to good health and investigate why you don’t like vegetables and discuss ways that vegetables could be made more appealing.

So, I am going to be your ‘dietitian’ of love, because kissing is like the ‘vegetables’ of intimacy. Without kissing your relationship is lacking essential ‘nutrients’. Research has shown that couples who kiss frequently have better relationship satisfaction, less stress and lower cholesterol.

I see so many couples who aren’t having sex, or only having disconnected, unsatisfying sex, and inevitably they are also not kissing. Kissing, like other forms of gentle, sensual touch, is the link between emotional intimacy and sexual intimacy. It is very difficult to go from day to day living to sexual intimacy without this intermediary stage. Kissing allows your body to relax and soften and from that arousal is possible.

But what is kissing? There is of course a whole range of ways in which we can kiss, from a brief peck to a long pash. A kiss can be lips closed, slightly open, tip of the tongue, whole tongue, wide open mouth. It can be done for a moment or for hours (or what seems like hours). A kiss can be done with no emotion or with overflowing emotion, disengaged or totally engaged.

So how do you each like to kiss? And in what circumstances? You say you like deep kissing and your husband doesn’t, but you don’t say how he likes to kiss and how you feel about it. This is where the conversation needs to be. It’s not about whether one has to succumb to the other’s desire or not, it’s about understanding meaning. You need to understand each other’s feelings around kissing. Why do you like deep kissing? Why doesn’t your husband? What does it mean for him, what is his experience of deep kissing, what needs to be different for him?

Once you discuss intimacy at this level of detail you will gain the information you need as a couple to co-create mutually desirable intimacy. It could be that he came from an emotionally distant family and finds kissing awkward, so needs to learn how to approach and enjoy. Maybe you come in too quickly, so he recoils rather than moving towards, in which case you need to practice an approach and a pace that makes him feel comfortable and engaged. Maybe he likes lots of little kisses before slowly increasing the depth. Maybe you go on for too long. Maybe you move your tongue in ways he doesn’t like. Maybe you use too much saliva. Maybe you have bad breath and he’s too embarrassed to tell you!

There are so many factors at play here, and it can make for really interesting conversation that is also deep and connecting. Try having this conversation with your husband on your own. Be inquisitive and non-judgemental about what he does like and why, what he struggles with and why. From there you can share gently and openly about why you desire him in this way and how good it makes you feel. Find the commonality through this discussion and explore ways of connecting that do make him comfortable.

If you can’t find resolution on your own, or the conversation is too difficult, then find a therapist who is trained and practiced in sex and intimacy and can help facilitate your conversation.

Most importantly, don’t give up on your relationship. If you love and desire each other, with the help of a skilled therapist you will find your way through.

This is a great word that I like to use when talking to couples about how to relate to each other and get in the mood for lovemaking.a

That word is “communing”.

The dictionary defines the verb “commune” as:

• To share one's intimate thoughts or feelings with someone or something;
• To feel in close spiritual contact with someone or something.

It’s a gentle, chilled-out word that makes you feel relaxed and connected. I take it to mean that act of sharing and feeling when two people hang-out together doing stuff that makes them feel good about each other.

It can be a cup of tea and a chat after the kids are in bed. It can be walking to the park together pushing the pram. It can be snuggling up on the couch laughing and watching your favourite TV show. It can be doing a jigsaw puzzle together. It can be taking dessert up to the bedroom and feeding each other while giggling on the bed.

It doesn’t have to involve a lot of verbal communication; it certainly doesn’t have to involve deep and meaningful conversation (although it can lead to that naturally). It doesn’t have to be overtly romantic or sexual. Communing is just two people enjoying each other’s company in a relaxed manner.

The three key elements to communing are simply that:

1. You’re together
2. You’re doing something (even if that something is very little) together
3. It makes you feel good about yourself and the other person

It’s actually what makes you feel good as a couple, and that in turn is what makes your sex life work.

Too often people in relationships get complacent and stop making the time to be with each other. Then they wonder why one or both of them isn’t in the mood for sex anymore.

Forcing yourself to get in the mood for sex isn’t going to make you want sex. Contrary to what a lot of people believe, sex doesn’t always “cure” the ills of a relationship, although it can.

The reality is that for most people, sex needs a warmup.

Most people actually need to be feeling good about their partner and about themselves before they’ll want to make love to them.

I call this 'beforeplay' - keeping the warmup going on in little ways all the time. It’s the way you relate and feel about each other (and therefore about yourself) before you even get to the bedroom that makes the sex not only easier to get to, but better when it arrives.

Communing is enjoyable and relaxing and connecting.

What’s not to like?

Do it and enjoy!

From my column in Body+Soul

Question:I’ve been with my girlfriend for 3 years and we are really happy. Our sex life is fun and experimental, but up until this point monogamous. We’ve shared fantasies about bringing a man (and woman) into bed with us during sex. That’s great, but I think the real thing could be even better. She’s keen but worried about getting jealous. What are some ground rules for a good threesome so that everyone’s happy?

Answer: The thought of a threesome can be very titillating. The prospect of turning that fantasy into a reality though, can be fraught, so you need to be prepared. It’s like any activity that is potentially both thrilling and dangerous – like skydiving for instance – preparation is key to enjoyment.

For a start, I want to clarify that you don’t need to turn a fantasy into a reality. It can do its job turning you on quite nicely safely in the confines of your mind. Or take it one step further and spice up your sex life by sharing the idea with your partner; telling each other fantasies can be erotically charged without needing to act them out. This is especially true when the fantasy is potentially as dangerous as inviting another person into your bedroom.

It can be done though, if it’s done thoughtfully and safely. It might seem that I’m coming on a bit heavy about the safety aspect here, but I can’t tell you how many couples have come to me with damaged relationships due to mishandling this kind of thing. Inviting the neighbours over for a drink and getting smashed is not a good framework in which to explore opening the relationship! It might sound funny reading it here, but the reality is far from amusing.

This kind of play only works well if you approach it as a strong couple, clear on your expectations, understanding why you’re doing it, constantly communicating where you’re at, and being ready to support your partner or ask for support if you need it.

So, firstly, whenever you are expanding your sexual play, including inviting in someone for a threesome, you have to talk about it.

What is your fantasy - is it another man, another woman? Someone you know, someone you don’t know at all? Why do you want to be with more than just your partner? What is it about the encounter that turns you on?

What do you actually want to do? Do you want to watch your partner with someone else, be watched, or all play together? What kind of sexual activities are ok or not ok?

And very importantly, what are your fears and concerns? Undoubtedly, if you're considering having sex with other people, that’s going to include the issue of jealousy.

Jealousy isn’t inevitable, but it does come up, so don’t kid yourselves that it won’t. Make sure the topic is on the table so that you can express your feelings honestly if they come up. If either of you does start to feel jealous, talking about it and having your partner listen will make you feel much better. And from that you can decide as a couple what, if anything, to do about it. That could be limiting the number of times you play with one person, limiting the type of sexual activities you engage in with a third person, being more careful on who you choose to play with, through to agreeing not to have any more threesomes.

Once you’ve found the person who’s going to join you, make sure you have a good talk with them too, so you can be sure that you’re all on the same page. By being clear on the boundaries you make it safe for all of you to really play and have fun.

During the encounter you also need to be there for each other, checking that the other is ok, and signalling that you are too. You need to have ways of showing your partner if you’re not ok. And most importantly, if your partner needs to slow down or stop, that’s perfectly fine, even if you’re really enjoying yourself. Your bond as a couple overrides any immediate pleasure you’re having. You (plural) come first.

Then, after the threesome, have a good debrief - not only does this allow the erotic enjoyment to linger as you talk through all the good bits, you also share any challenging moments, and generally strengthen your bond.

So, get talking, be prepared, and you’ll be all set to make your fantasies come true!

At my last Couples Retreat in Bali I made the comment to some participants that I don't feel like a woman, I feel like a human in a female body. The shocked reaction came back: "But you're so womanly, you're gorgeous, the epitome of being female, a veritable goddess!"

Which I have to say was definitely very flattering, if a little excessive!

But actually, I believe the reason I come across as so "womanly" is that I have balanced my yin and yang, my masculine and feminine, within myself. I simply feel 'human' and then I inhabit a female body. And I have to say I love having a female body! But you know, if I had a male body, I'm not sure I'd feel that different, and I'm sure I'd love having a male body. Because being human and having a body is a pretty cool thing when you think about it. Miraculous actually.

So much of my work with people is to find that internal balance. Our journey in life is in large part to develop those sides of ourselves that have been stunted (eg men not in touch with their vulnerable side, or women not in touch with their powerful side) so that we can become more whole within ourselves.

There is a school of sexual thought, particularly in the more Tantric circles, that there has to be a polarization between a man and a woman for transcendent sexual experiences. I disagree. The polarity doesn't come from having different chromosomes, it comes from the interplay of yin and yang, the leading and following, the giving and receiving, and the transcendence comes from the meeting of two open, vulnerable, authentic human beings.

This is why in my Tantra-based couples retreats I welcome same sex couples, because it's not about your genitals, it's about your ability to be mindfully embodied as an individual and to create resonance between you as a couple.