John Gottman, noted American couples therapist, has some wonderful ideas around good communication. One I particularly like is the concept that you have to share before you can fix.

What this means is that when you have something you need to discuss or resolve, it’s important that the two of you take the time to share how you feel about the situation before you try finding ways of solving the situation.

You need to speak about your feelings until you each feel heard. You’ll know when you’ve reached that point because there will be a shift in the energy between you, you’ll feel a coming together, a sense of connection and being in sync.

Once you have that feeling, then, and only then, do you start to look at options and explore ways of dealing with the issue.

If you go into the fixing before you’ve done the sharing of feelings, then one or both of you will feel frustrated at not being heard. That frustration can manifest as anger or giving up, neither of which are useful emotions to have when trying to resolve something and move forward.

It can be with the best of intention that you go into fixing mode too early. When one hears the other’s problem, they quite probably feel that to help their partner they need to find solutions. But no, not only do you have to allow your partner to express how they feel about the situation, you also need to express how you feel about that situation.

Sometimes people feel that they shouldn’t express their feelings, that they should be logical and go straight into solution mode. But without the feeling behind it, there isn’t the full raft of information at hand, so you’re shortchanging yourself. You’re also likely to miss what’s most important (which might even be that no solution is needed, simply expressing is enough).

I’ve written elsewhere about how you need to sink in to sync infor good sex. It applies to all aspects of intimacy, including communicating. It you want quality communication, which is an element of good quality on-going sex, then you also need to sink in to sync in. The sinking in is expressing how you feel and the syncing in is then working on a solution.

My parents are celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary this week. Congratulations Mum and Dad!

They’ve had a great relationship. It’s had its ups and downs of course, but they never flat-lined or became complacent. They maintained their zest for life. And as I often say: you’ve gotta love life to have a love life.

What I do want to talk about is how much my father loves my mother, and what a positive impact that has had on me. You see, as a girl, having a father who loves, respects and admires his wife, your mother, is the best thing possible for growing up with a positive self-image.

There is nothing better a man can do to ensure his daughters grow up with a positive self-image than to love their mother, with equality and respect…

To the girl, her mother represents ‘woman’ and her father represents ‘man’, so when her father truly loves and respects her mother, she learns deep in her soul that ‘man’ loves ‘woman’, and therefore relating sexually becomes a positive and desirable thing.

So guys, for the sake of your daughters, love your partner. Then, no matter what challenges you have with the parenting, your underlying respect of ‘woman’, will ensure that your daughters grow up feeling positive about being female.

Hopefully your partner grew up with a father who respected her mother. It's often not the case though, so you need to do what he didn't: relate to her with such a balanced respectful masculinity (not a wimp, not a macho prick) that you reprogram her underlying beliefs. Then she can find her sense of equality and worth as a woman (something my father did for my mother, as her parents had a very troubled relationship).

To be like this means you need to be a good, strong loving man. If your own father wasn't like this, well, you've got some work to do on yourself too. You have to break the generational dysfunction in your family. You have to become a man who is fully, positively in his masculinity, so you can help the women in your life, particularly your partner and daughters, to be wonderful women.

Even if you are no longer with your daughter's mother, you still need to show her this respect - for your daughter's sake if not your ex's.

Girls need fathers who are loving, confident men; women need respectful loving men who are their equals; the world needs men to be all they can be.

When your vagina is relaxed and receptive it becomes the most amazingly sensitive organ, capable of experiencing subtle energies and generating beautifully exquisite sensations. Unfortunately, as the standard model of sex is for vigorous thrusting into the vagina, our vaginas tend to become “hardened” to subtlety.

Also, because of the focus on the clitoris, the vagina can get neglected. To the extent that some people feel that the clitoris is the only important sex organ for a woman and that the vagina is simply a vessel for the man’s penis to enjoy. So most of the attention goes on to the clitoris, with strong stimulation there to the point of orgasm, followed by intercourse until he comes. The clitoris is very wonderful, of course! But so is the vagina. I’d like you to reclaim your vagina as the wonderful, sensitive organ that it can be.

To do this, you need to approach intercourse slowly, tenderly and gently. You won’t awaken the subtle ecstasy with vigorous stimulation. So, follow this general approach:

• Make sure you are beautifully aroused: be in a lovely environment, take your time with non-genital connection (kissing, touch, hugging, eye gazing, etc.) to become aroused. You are aiming for a soft, warm arousal here, not a highly intense sexual excitement.
• When you feel like inviting your partner’s penis to enter you, move into a comfortable position for entry. You can be reclining on your back with him approaching between your legs, or twist your hips a little to the side so he can enter from the side in scissors position. If you’d rather be the one on top, that’s fine too.
• Have his penis rest at the entrance to your vagina. Take some moments, or even a minute, to simply feel the contact between the head of his penis and the entrance to your vagina. Notice how that feels in your genitals, in your heart, in your whole body. Try looking into each other’s eyes as you do this, and then close them, feeling the difference.
• When you’re ready, allow him to slowly, slowly enter you. Relax your vagina and really get a sense of welcoming him in, allowing your vagina to envelop and hold his penis. Be aware moment by moment of the sensations of penis and vagina uniting.
• Invite him to enter you fully and deeply. Once fully in, be still. Focus on your breathing, allowing everything to be still and peaceful. Notice the sensations.
• Keeping your vagina relaxed, caress his penis with your vaginal muscles, stroking his penis as though you were stroking a cat, smoothly and sensually. Then relax and feel.
• Allow your pelvis to move ever so slightly, in little circles or forward and back. Notice any sensations.
• When you’re ready, allow him to start moving inside you - slowly, tenderly and with utter presence. He needs to make every stroke count.

When you first start making love in this way, you may not feel much at all, as you are so used to intensity, your vagina is unable to feel subtlety. Keep practicing and over time you will find your vagina opening up and receiving fully, allowing the most wonderful sensations to flow within you and between you.

You may also find that it brings up strong emotions. Many vaginas have hardened due to the repeated “penetration” - an aggressive approach on the part of the penis that requires the vagina to go into defensive mode, literally “steeling” itself for the anticipated attack. In allowing your vagina to relax and soften, and to welcome in the penis, this can unblock emotions. If this happens, simply allow yourself to feel those emotions, and allow your partner to be present with you as this happens. The man can have a similar experience, as he feels for the first time truly welcomed and embraced by the vagina.

When you make love in this way, you are “plugging in” to each other, the positive and negative, masculine and feminine, yin and yang uniting. Rather than two genitals having a physical friction based arousal, you’re allowing a meeting of subtle energies. The exquisite sensations this can produce, and the true feeling of love and connection between two lovers, are indescribable.

Sit facing each other. Cross-legged is ideal, or on straight-backed chairs if your knees aren’t so good. Be close enough that your knees are touching and you can hold hands.

Then simply gaze into each other’s eyes.

Play some luscious, chilled music, and hold the gaze for one song. That’s about three minutes.

Allow yourself to sink into the gaze. Feel the connection between you.

You might find yourself giggling, that’s fine, let the giggles pass and let your energy sink, bringing your breath deeper into your belly to centre yourself.

You might find it gets uncomfortable, that the gaze becomes too intense. In this case simply close your eyes for a while and feel into the space between you until you feel ready to open your eyes again.

Simply feel and notice. Avoid analysing as you go, whatever you feel you feel, whatever you notice you notice. It could be blissful, it could be emotional, it could be nothing much at all, just the barest glimmer of an opening into each other.

In this co-created space, without talk or movement, you are left with the pure essence of your connection, soul to soul.

As you become more comfortable with eye gazing, you’ll bring it more into your relating: during lovemaking, any time you meet during the day, even just momentarily.

And in that gaze, you will find ever deeper connection.

Every time you do something for or say something nice to your partner it’s like you’re sending them a little bundle of loving sexual energy, a little quantum of deliciousness.

“Ping!”

Imagine that quantum of energy springing across from your heart and into your partner’s heart. Make them feel the “mmm” - “mmm, you love me” and “mmm, you desire me”.

“Ping!”

“Mmm”

It’s the same when your partner does or says something full of joyful energy to you too - you feel that little quantum of energy enter you, so you go ‘mmm’.

“Ping!”

“Mmm”

Sometimes the energy is more from the heart, and sometimes more from the genitals. Ideally it’s from both, so you’re sending and receiving energy that combines love and sex.

That’s your 'beforeplay' – the connection that you create before you even get to the bedroom, the connection that needs to permeate the whole of your life together.

Keep sending those quanta of deliciousness and you’ll keep your connection strong, which means the two of you will be keeping yourselves simmering and ready for some loving whenever the time is right.

Kids, mortgages, housework, career ...

Are those the priorities in your life?

Next you try to fit in some nice-to-haves: gym, net-surfing, watch some TV, repainting the lounge...

After all of that there's not a lot of time left for much else is there?

Does that sound like your life? Pretty good on the whole, shouldn’t complain, but something’s missing? Does it feel like you’re doing it tough? Do you feel somehow unsupported as though you’re going it alone, even if you have a partner?

Chances are, like so many busy modern couples, you’ve lost the “Mmm-Factor”.

If you’ve relegated intimacy to the bottom of the priority list, if it’s even there at all, you’re not alone. Time after time I see clients in my clinic saying: “We’re best friends, but aren’t having sex”, “We live like flat-mates”, “We just can’t seem to get around to it”, “My partner is never in the mood” (and it’s just as common for the woman as the man to be complaining about the lack of sex.)

The good news is that you can regain and nurture what I call the “Mmm-Factor”.

You want to be able to look at your partner and go: “Mmm - I like what I see. I like you!”

It sure is a challenge in a long-term relationship, but it’s absolutely essential. I’ve talked about the three pillars of a good relationship: to be friends, team-mates and lovers. When you’ve got the “Mmm-Factor”, you’ve got the lover part happening. This is what makes you unique and special as a couple.

The “Mmm-Factor” is cultivated by BeforePlay. That’s everything you do before you get to the bedroom. It’s what makes you want to get to the bedroom in the mood for a bit of lovin’!

In my experience this is where so many people fall down. We focus on the relationship side of things, and we focus on the sex side of things, but getting to sex that’s where we’re a bit clueless.

Cultivate the “Mmm-Factor” and you’ll cultivate your sex life.

This is an interesting one. I find a lot of people aren’t having anywhere near the kind of sex that would really turn them on, because they don’t feel they can have ‘that’ kind of sex, whatever ‘that kind of sex’ is, with their partner.

I’ve written elsewhere about pushing boundaries and how to expand your sexual play, so this is more about the step before - how to even consider having ‘dirty’ sex with your beloved.

What I mean by ‘dirty’ is whatever you want it to mean, whatever lies beyond your comfort zone of ‘acceptable’, whatever is wild, wicked, naughty, or add the adjective of your choice…

I find there are two things that can get in the way:

The Madonna-Whore Syndrome
A lot of it stems from the deeply rooted belief in our society that sex is ‘bad’. For so long sex was a necessary evil required for procreation, and could only be enacted under very limited strict guidelines - restrained, minimal, unemotional - otherwise it would be terribly sinful. Of course, suppression leads to rebellious enactment, so people, or at least men, did have wild sex - but not with their wives, only with the ‘bad girls’. And thus arose the Madonna-Whore syndrome: bad girls do, good girls don’t (and of course your wife, could only be a good girl). This was such a strong part of western sexuality for so long, and still lingers today in a more subtle form.

This idea that there is ‘good sex’ - pure and simple, and ‘bad sex’ - wild and dark, combined with an inherent sense of what is ‘loving’ and what isn’t, means that people don’t feel they can go places sexually, they can’t explore the ‘dark’ places of their sexuality, or at least, not with their beloved. So people either have limited sex lives, or they act out with people who aren’t their partner.

The Limitation of Needing Validation
The other element that prevents good, open, creative 'dirty' sex is that people become co-dependant, fused, they can no longer self-validate, they need their partner to agree with them or they feel bad, even rejected. No-one is going to open up and share ideas or push boundaries if they are fearful of a negative reaction. They’ll restrain themselves and keep in the safe zone. Unfortunately, over time that safe zone can get smaller and smaller. I meet couples who are no longer having sex at all, let alone dirty sex (or wild, or sensual, or Tantric, or whatever adjective you want to insert) - because they’re too awkward or embarrassed or apprehensive to go there.

Most people aren’t that extreme, but it’s worth examining your own beliefs. Really sit with the question and get honest with yourself: What do you feel comfortable doing with your partner? If that’s anything less than what you might like to do in an ideal world, ask yourself what’s preventing you from going there?

If the answer is along the lines of ‘it doesn’t feel right’, whether that’s a clear strong feeling or some vague indefinable sensation, then chances are you’ve got that Madonna-whore thing happening. And if your response is ‘oh I couldn’t, how would he or she react’ then you’ve got the fused thing happening.

Deal with that and you’ll open yourself to your true authentic expression of self, and with that, so much more pleasure and possibility…

Taking a break together is always a good thing to do, helping you relax and rejuvenate and hopefully have some quality sexy time away from the stresses of everyday life. So why would you add a couples retreat to your time away? What are the benefits to you of going to one of my LoveLife Couples Retreats?

Well, where do I start?! Feeling the love and connection in the group and seeing the couples blossom is an experience that’s hard to put into words.
But I’ll try...

1. Learn the Tantric approach to sex, its physiological basis, and why it’s so important for modern lovers.
I love the way science is reaffirming ancient wisdom in so many ways, particularly when it comes to sex. The Tantric approach is essentially good sex - connected, erotic, intimate. It’s about slowing down so that you’re in the chill zone, as good sex is not possible if you’re stressed; it’s about ‘syncing in to sink in’ as you can’t have good sex if you’re not connected; and it’s about being mindful, as you can’t have good sex if you’re not present to the experience.

In the retreats I explain the theory and present the practices in a way that is appropriate for contemporary couples. As so many participants say, it’s not ‘woo hoo’ or ‘fluffy’ and makes good practical sense that you can incorporate into ‘real’ life.

2. Learn how to keep your ‘Couple Bubble’ strong.
There are three entities in your relationship, each of you as individuals and you as a couple. When your ‘couple bubble’ is strong, your connection extends into your individuality and makes life connected and resilient. A strong Couple Bubble means really understanding your partner, and yourself, so that you connect and communicate in a way that works for your partner as much as yourself. Essentially you become experts on each other.
In the LoveLife Couples Retreat you’ll learn all sorts of fascinating things about yourselves - your attachment styles, your love languages, what stage of relationship growth you’re in (symbiosis/fusion - differentiation - couple bubble); and you’ll learn how to use this understanding to connect and communicate.

3. Learn how to talk about sex, to develop an erotic language together.
One of the key elements of the retreats is that you’ll learn how to actually talk about sex. This means learning how to have open, supportive communication general, and particularly in regard to sex. People often tell me I give them a language to talk about sex, and in the immersive experience of a retreat you’ll certainly discover how you can talk about sex in an open, creative, inspiring, erotic and non-sleazy way! It’s kind of like making sex a mutual hobby.

4. Learn how to merge your sex and love energy so that you keep yourselves ‘simmering’.
I believe that one of the most powerful elements of the approach I teach is that you merge the love and sex energies - which is one of the reasons that it is good for long-term lovers as it’s not just about lust. Once you get this, you can constantly share this energy between you. You’ll find yourselves sending each other little quanta of this delicious energy all through the day, keeping your couple bubble strong and keeping the two of you ‘simmering’ so it’s easier to move into love-making.

5. Learn how to explore the ecstasy of the ‘valleys' as well as the intensity of the ‘peaks' of sex.
While vigorous sex, what we can call the ‘peaks’ of sex, has its appeal, it’s in the valleys of sex that you find real ecstasy. In the retreats you have time to really explore how to relax your genitals and get very present in them so that you can have extraordinarily beautiful sexual experiences. You’ll discover the many and varied ways of being orgasmic and how to lengthen and sustain erotic and sexual connection (as well as how to have a Tantric quickie!)

6. Learn ways to pleasure each other for heightened erotic arousal.
We explore what I call the yin and yang of sex - exploring the concepts of giving and receiving, leading and following, intensity and subtlety. You’ll learn about the Seven Elements of Sex, elements of your sexual being. By tapping into these elements you can become integrated within your individual and partnered sexuality and explore your eroticism. And you'll learn the Seven Flavours of Sex, the different styles of eroticism, different sexual tastes or flavours.

7. Develop an approach to sex that is endlessly creative and satisfying!

That’s what it’s really about! When you can keep your connection strong, communicate openly and explore together, you’ll find that your love-life thrives. The retreat is a start, or part of an on-going journey of life and love together.

Couples of all ages and stages of life and relationship come along to the retreats. Some are healing their relationship, some are starting a relationship, others have a great relationship and that’s in part because they do cool things together like this retreat! What they definitely have in common is a love for each other and a commitment to co-creating a meaningful sex life that strengthens and enhances their love and their life.

I’m not aware of any other couples retreats in the world that combine the relational, the sexual and the spiritual in such a grounded, practical and inspiring way.

So, will I see you and your beloved at one soon…?

What is a hobby? According to the dictionary it’s “an activity done regularly in one’s leisure time for pleasure.” That sounds like sex to me!

We all know that it’s good for couples to have a mutual hobby - cooking, gardening, sport, travel, outdoor recreation, decorating, traveling, study. It gives us something to talk about, to experiment with and to enjoy together.

You’re being intimate anyway, so why not give your sex life the same focus and attention that you give any hobby?





When you acknowledge that sexual intimacy can be your mutual hobby,  you can approach it like any other hobby - enjoyably! There is enjoyment in the thinking about it, the planning, the discussing, the reflecting, the researching, and of course, in the doing.

It’s just as if, say, scuba diving were your mutual hobby. In that case you’d do courses together, set aside time to go diving, plan your dive trips, enjoy talking about the diving afterwards. You’d read books or blogs, listen to podcasts and watch videos about diving. You’d buy diving equipment and browse online diving websites to find out more. You’d have friends who were interested in diving too and you could enjoy talking with them about diving and share diving advice and experiences; you might even go diving together.

Now substitute the words ‘have sex’ or ‘be intimate’ for ‘dive’, and it’s pretty much the same. Obviously for most people, although not all, having sex is a private activity, so the ‘going diving with friends’ side of things might not apply - but you can still talk about it with them.

When sex is your hobby it becomes a normal part of life, and so much easier to talk about.

Then you'll find there’s so much to explore and experience…

...which means it’s not about “getting each other off”.

Solo sex is about having an orgasm, experimentation, self-education or any number of things, but it’s not about sharing.

Partnered sex is about sharing pleasure.

OK.

Maybe not necessarily all the time.

Sometimes you do want partnered sex to be a nice quickie with a satisfying orgasm, just as solo sex can be about languid pleasure rather than a quick orgasm.

However, too many people seem to think that sex is all about giving their partner an orgasm. Time and time again clients tell me that if their partner doesn’t have an orgasm then they themselves feel inadequate. Given that the media is always going on about orgasms, it’s not surprising that people fall for this misconception.

And of course, orgasms are great! But that’s not why you have sex with someone else. If you want just an orgasm, do it yourself! It’s generally quicker and less complicated.

The whole point of having a partner is to connect.

It’s the connection that gives the sexual encounter meaning and deeper satisfaction. If your focus is orgasm, then effectively you’re just masturbating with each other. Now that’s fine some of the time, but it gets dull and meaningless if that’s all you do.

If you think of sex as: “I give you an orgasm and then you give me an orgasm”, that’s not lovemaking, that’s tit-for-tat, that’s trade, that’s a market transaction. Sex is not a competitive sport or a performance. Sex is not: “You scratch my back (or penis or clitoris) and I’ll scratch yours”.

Sex is an expression of desire, or an expression of love, or an expression of self – preferably all three!

Sex in humans has the dual function of pleasure and bonding. Sex generally does the pleasure thing - including the possibility of orgasms – although it doesn’t have to. But sex will never take you to the bonding part if you’re both in your heads hoping to “get it right” and needing orgasms to prove that you’ve done it right. In fact, you’re less likely to get the pleasure part if either of you are so hung up about performance and outcome that you’re suffering from performance anxiety and you either can’t function or can’t feel.

To get the happy hormones flowing you have to let go and play! Surrender to the experience and let whatever unfolds unfold. Let your sexual encounters be wandering journeys into pleasure, rather than structured performances with Key Performance Indicators!