Being a sex geek, I am both trained as a scientist yet explore areas more likely to be considered mystical - particularly in the area of sexual pleasure. I myself have ecstatic experiences and blissful states that are quite different and far more pleasurable than what is considered 'normal sex', and I have spoken with many people who also have them, and have helped many others discover these possibilities too.

I am not exaggerating when I say that 'normal' sex is to this type of sex what a fast-food hamburger is to gourmet cooking (keeping in mind that sometimes a hamburger is just fine, and you don’t have to like fine food).

So, the geek in me asks ‘why?’ Why do some people experience this and not others? What's happening?

Historically it’s clear that we suppressed sexuality in the West, particularly female sexuality, so when sexual liberation came in the 1970s there was a lot we didn't know about sexuality and it's potential.

Scientifically I feel that scientific interest in sex has been so focused on reproduction and disease that there has been very little focus on sexual pleasure, let alone sexual bliss and ecstasy. It’s still mired in the values of the past where sex was considered something ‘base’ and therefore not worthy of study.

Socially I feel that because people don’t know what they don’t know, they’re not looking for it. Although I do believe that is shifting as people start to realise that there’s got to be more to sex than prudery or porn, and interest in Tantra, mindfulness and conscious relating increase.

So back to the ‘why’. I’ve written and spoken and lectured at length about the approach to sex that leads to these states. What’s going on in the body though?

I suspect it works at two levels:

• In entering this kind of sexual experience, biochemical reactions are initiated that release the chemicals that cause the good feelings. By staying in elevated states of arousal and avoiding the genital focused intensity of ‘standard’ orgasms, the biochemical state is not turned off, so the pleasure lasts.
• Within the brain you’re using less of the detail-oriented, monkey chattering left side of the brain, and settling into more of a right-brain orientation. So that you feel, what the neuroscientist Jill Bolte Taylor describes as a oneness: “I am the life-force power of the universe. I am the life-force power of the 50 trillion beautiful molecular geniuses that make up my form, at one with all that is,” - a sense of bliss. (View her wonderful video 'Stroke of Insight' on TED.)

I believe humans need this bliss.Without knowing how to achieve it naturally, too many people are driven to use drugs and alcohol to create artificial versions of this state, which leads to addiction, poor health and lowered quality of life. Achieving natural highs from bliss-inducing sex not only feels wonderful at the time, it also helps enormously with life, so you have more energy, think better, look better and feel better.

Others might think you’re looking at the world through rose-coloured glasses - but you know the world really is rose-coloured.

To awaken your body to subtlety and exquisite sensation, you need to have heightened sensitivity. This takes strong connection and deep feeling. There’s no way you’d get that level of connection and feeling through being passive.

For women in particular, as I wrote recently in the post on Awakening Your Vagina, so many of us have become so hardened vaginally through intense sexual encounters of a very physical kind, that we can’t feel. That means sex requires more intensity to produce feeling, which over time often means women lose interest in sex because they’re not really feeling it, or it takes so much effort to feel anything it’s not worth it. Well-meaning partners might try harder and harder to create interest and response in their lover, but unfortunately they’re doing the opposite to what is required to waken their lover’s body and spirit to true feeling.

Our society’s focus on what is quite an asexual approach to sex doesn’t help, particularly since it’s limited to a very masturbatory approach to sex, being about strong libido, vigorous genital engagement, and explosive orgasms. This approach is all about doing rather than feeling, so people try harder to ‘do’ something, rather than simply receiving. This is tiring and disconnecting and doesn’t allow the subtle feelings needed to enjoy sex to awaken.

The more a woman softens and receives, the more she feels, the more satisfying the sexual encounter for her and therefore the more satisfying it is for her partner. And paradoxically, the more ‘active’ she is likely to be as she’s enjoying herself so much!

It’s not just women though. Men too have a lot to learn through the experience of being receptive. For a man to be able to truly give, he needs to know how to receive. It will also slow him down and be less intense sexually, which is required for a woman to be able to relax and receive.

When lovers come together with the woman welcoming the man into her, and he is able to accept the invitation and enter with depth of feeling and connection, they’ll make sexual magic. And it’s a feeling that will grow with time and age.

I love to create beautiful experiences for people, to take them on journeys where they discover the magnificence of their sexuality, the beauty of their eroticism - and a deep opening into love.

I’m back from running another couple's retreat in the Blue Mountains and once again I am awed by the love that is expressed in these retreats. I know I’m blessed to regularly be ‘bathed’ in this energy as it is such a rare thing to experience in our society, where intimacy is so secretive and the public expression of sexuality tends to be coarse.

When you get a group of people together and create a safe space for them to be expressive, in a classy, clothes-on type of way, it’s magic! Sensuality, connectedness, bliss, yumminess, all flow and merge into a superb melange that is essentially love.

Whether it’s a couples retreat where the participants are deepening the connection of their couple bubble; a women’s workshop where they are awakening to the beauty of their sexuality; or one of my regular Tantric Lounge gatherings where they take the plunge into a new discovery each time….it’s all about the love…

…and it’s so delicious!

The clients and retreat participants I see tend to be pretty together type of people with a mature attitude to life and relating. So, I don’t get too many couples who want to stay flat-lining or locked in conflict. They want to grow and develop as individuals and as a couple and have the best life they can.
 
 There are three ways of having a long-term relationship, or four, as the second type manifests in two ways which might appear to be diametrically opposed but are actually versions of the same dynamic: 

1) Flat-lining 
 
This is when a couple play it safe. Too afraid to upset the other or too needy of validation from their partner, neither of them is game to be truly honest. Over time these relationships tend to become more and more limited, and the couple grow ‘old’. Sometimes there is a power dynamic here, such as in the traditional patriarchal structure where the man had the power and the woman had to acquiesce. The key indicator here is that they want it to be ‘easy’ and ‘not rock the boat’. 
 
2) Deadlock 
 
These couples know they’re not happy and blame the other for it. This manifests in two ways: one is where they are in constant conflict, always bickering, with lots of nastiness; the other is where they stonewall and don’t relate at all or only superficially. The latter version can look like flat-lining, but the difference is the hostility and blame behind the behaviour. In both cases, the relationship at best stagnates and at worse degenerates into either ongoing misery if they stay together, or on-going blame and hatred if they separate. The key indicator here is the unhappiness and blame. 
 
3) High-maintenance - the 'Couple Bubble' 
 
 These couples know that ‘happy ever after’ is not inevitable but takes work; and they see their relationship as a vehicle for growth and development. They work together as a team through the ups and downs of life, embracing their differences, challenging each other, supporting each other, and always being absolutely honest - radically honest.
 
 This third type of relationship is a high-quality relationship, and it’s also a high-maintenance relationship. Not in the sense of the ‘precious princess’ type of relationship where one is selfishly demanding with a high level of entitlement and narcissistic tendencies, but one where each person expects the best of themselves and their partner and is committed to enabling that best to evolve.
 
The key to a high-quality relationship is honesty and openness. 
 
 Yet to be able to have this level of honesty, you both need to be able to deal with the inevitable emotions that come with honesty - guilt, vulnerability, fear, jealousy...
 
 You have to own these feelings, acknowledge them. It’s essential that you don’t avoid or suppress the feelings. It’s equally as important that you don't blame the other for these feelings (or you’re in deadlock) and definitely do not pull back from your partner for fear of these emotions (or you’re flat-lining).
 
 To be this aware and this open requires each of you to have a high level of self-awareness, and high-level communication skills. This isn't easy, these are skills and qualities that have to be developed, they don't come 'naturally'. Having a high-level relationship takes dedication and focus.
 
That might sound daunting, but it's actually wonderfully empowering to be able to relate with compassion and empathy, assuming the best of your partner and always seeking to understand and grow.
 
 This way you co-create a 'Couple Bubble' where your relationship supports and nurtures you, so that the challenges of life become more bearable because you share them together, and the joys of life become more joyful because you share them together.

I'm often asked about spiritual sex, and terms like 'Tantric Sex' are commonly googled requests that link to my website. I believe that to reach your sexual potential you've got to be open to the spiritual elements. So let's talk sex and spirituality.

'Bliss', 'ecstasy', 'connection', 'union', 'transcendence', losing self', 'merging with the universe.

What do you suppose I’m describing here?
a) A spiritual experience
b) A sexual experience
c) Both

The answer is (c). Not all sexual experiences are spiritual and not all spiritual experiences are sexual, but there is a strong connection, and when the two merge the sex is truly awesome.

For many of us in western culture this seems at odds, because we’re often brought up to believe that sexuality and spirituality are opposites, that one is base and ‘bad’ and the other is lofty and ‘good’, that to get to the spiritual we have to overcome the sexual.

So instead of embracing our sexuality, which is an intrinsic part of being human, we at best trivialise it and at worse deny it. Which means that instead of a whole healthy society we have one that is obsessed with superficial sexuality and full of people with dysfunctional attitudes and behaviours around sex.

Sex is not meant to be like this. Sexual energy is our basic life energy. We all come from orgasm. Denying or corrupting it damages our selves. It’s far better to embrace our sexuality and experience life-affirming and life-enhancing sex.

You see, sex has three purposes. The first is reproduction. That’s a wonderful thing, but it’s not the essence of human sex, all animals have sex to reproduce. The second is pleasure. Our bodies are sexual pleasure machines, we are designed to experience exquisitely delicious sex. The third is personal transformation. By deepening the intimacy and heightening the erotic, we are capable of having sex that is far more than a physical joining of the genitals. We can have sex that takes us far above the physical rutting of animals, way up into the realm of the angels.

This type of sex can be called ‘high sex’, I think of it as ‘deep sex’, it’s definitely spiritual sex. Whatever you call it, you have to realise that it doesn’t just ‘happen’ (although plenty of people have experienced a glimpse of this possibility), just as blissful transcendent spiritual experiences rarely occur spontaneously. You have to cultivate deep sex.

For a start, you have to be truly present in the experience. For a society that increasingly views sex as a performance activity, this can be hard to achieve, because to be present you have to be out of your head and into your body, you have to turn off the incessant monkey chatter. Spiritual sex does not happen if you’re constantly thinking about whether you’re doing it ‘right’ or if you’re worried about your bits jiggling or whether you ‘should’ or ‘shouldn’t’ be doing a particular act.

By being present you become more intuitively attuned to your partner, so the sex flows. You also become more sensually aware, so the sensual aspects of sex are heightened. You’re also more likely to take it slow, delighting in every exquisite morsel of the experience. Our society tends to focus on the peaks of sex, the harder-faster-louder side of sex, which of course is good, but it’s only half the story. The valleys of sex, the slow, sensual, deep aspects are at least as glorious and often more ecstatic, and the sensations linger longer….

When you practice sex like this, it can go on for hours, and the sensations go beyond our normal concept of orgasmic. Too many of us see orgasm as the point of sex, believing that all the preliminaries just lead up to the grand finale of the big O. In spiritual sex orgasm is an outcome of sex (often many times over) not the point, and certainly not necessarily the end. The heightened states of arousal reached can transcend the usual experience of orgasm, so the feeling extends way past the genitals into the body and beyond, and potentially for a very long time. In fact, experiencing sex like this means you carry the bliss into the rest of your life, so that the whole of life becomes an extended experience of sexual and orgasmic energy.

I’m not advocating some hippie herbal version of sex here where it’s all about worshipping the god/dess in each other and dancing around in sarongs to Indian sacred chants (although that can be good too). This sex can occur anywhere - in a bondage parlour, for instance, or in a back alley up against a wall, or even a simple late-night cuddle under the sheets - if it’s part of a life lived in a heightened state of spiritual and sexual awareness.

You see, high sex incorporates the intimate and erotic, in fact you can’t really have erotic without the intimate. True intimacy is about showing your real self and surrendering to the experience. If you’re playing a role, or if you hold yourself back out of fear of your partner’s reaction, or a belief that certain acts are ‘bad’ (some are, I’m assuming consenting acts between living adult humans here), then you won’t be able to open yourself, to surrender yourself, to experience the sublime.

Spiritual growth involves an ever deeper knowing of oneself. A centre, a presence, a union with wholeness of the universe, an experience of self as selfless, of loss of self. There are many paths to this awareness, sex is one of the most accessible and beautiful paths to spiritual awareness and growth.

This is a practical activity to explore the polarities of giving and receiving, leading and following, from a place of equality.

Leading is Yang and giving is Yang. Following is Yin and receiving is Yin. When we combine these types of Yin and Yang we get four types of sexual expression: command, seduction, nurture/service and yielding.

Command is double yang as it is both leading and giving.
Yielding is double yin as it is both following and receiving.
Seduction is yin-yang as it is leading and receiving.
Nurture/Service is yin-yang as it is following and giving.

These four expressions have two polarities:

• The Seduction-Service polarity
• The Command-Yielding polarity

Exploring the Seduction-Service Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Seducer feels into the sense of being the leader and the receiver. They need to ‘draw’ the partner in energetically. When the Server feels the draw, they move towards the Seducer.

The Seducer will lead the Server to a location and then instruct the Server as what s/he would like done to themselves. A simple version of this is to ‘instruct the touch’ whereby the Seducer sits or lies down and quietly gives an on-going commentary requesting what they would like. Alternatively, you can ask for more complex pleasures (run me a bath, rub me with oil, undress me slowly, you undress slowly.)

Remember that the Seducer does this for mutual pleasure. The Server will want to do as the Seducer requests for their own pleasure as much as their partner’s. The Server does of course have the right to say no at any time.


Exploring the Command-Yielding Polarity

Stand facing each other. The Commander feels into the sense of being the leader and the giver. They need to ‘draw’ the partner in energetically. When the Yielder feels the draw, they move towards the Commander.

The Commander leads the Yielder to a place and proceeds to touch the Yielder for the Commander’s own pleasure. The Yielder simply offers their body for their partner’s pleasure. The simplest version is simply to touch with your hands, more complex versions are to add other implements, food, other sensory experiences.

Remember that the Commander does this for mutual pleasure. The Commander is creating an experience for the Yielder. The Yielder does of course have the right to give feedback or say stop at any time.

Feminine and masculine; dominant and submissive; active and receptive; spiritual and physical; hard and soft; intense and subtle; light and dark; slow and fast; quick and prolonged; peaks and valleys….

These are all elements of Yin and Yang, the coming together of equal, complementary opposites to make a united whole. They are also all elements of sexual potential.

The ancient Taoists of China understood this, the sexual understandings and practices that have come from that period of time are about balance and equality which lead to ecstatic sexual experiences that are health-and life-enhancing.

The Tantrics of India had similar practices, which also seek to create balance and harmony.

The West though, for the past few thousand years, has been dominated by masculine yang elements, which has led to a dysfunctionally dominant masculine and a dysfunctionally submissive feminine. This applied to the whole of society as much as to sex.

As I’ve explained before, with the social changes of the 1970’s, we got more apparent equality between the sexes, but we haven’t really strengthened the yin, the ‘feminine’ aspect, in society, and therefore in our sexuality. The whole approach to sex was, and is becoming, more and more yang - harder, faster, louder. Just look at porn these days to see how yang it is. (When was the last time you saw a couple locked in extended ecstatic embrace on a porn site...?)

Yang is good, but not without the balance of yin. A sexuality that is based solely on the yang elements will get boring over time, requiring more and more intensity for satisfaction. Balance it with yin elements, and you can have wonderful sex forever.

The key is equality between the Yin and the Yang: there is no need for judgement about what is right or wrong when there is equality. Male equal to female; receptive equal to active; following equal to leading. So, when two people come together in sexual intimacy, they come together as complementary equals, able to play with the polarities of yin and yang.

To meet your partner as complementary equals requires that you are balanced within, that you each have a balance of yin and yang qualities within you: hard and soft, tender and firm, vulnerable and protective. It’s not that men are yang and women are yin, that is completely out of balance!

The more balanced you are as individuals, the more freely you can play with polarities between you, experiencing peaks and valleys, intense and subtle, active and receptive, leading and following. And from that you can be endlessly creative....

There’s a wise old saying about spiritual and personal growth:

First there is the mountain

Then there is no mountain

Then there is the mountain again.

What this means is that you have normality, then that disappears while you grow and experience its opposite, and then a new normality comes back again as you integrate the experiences of personal growth.

This ’new’ reality is never the same reality as the one you had before - it might look the same to a casual observer but your experience of it is quite different.

If we’re talking about sex and intimacy, and human sexual potential, then the process is the same as for spiritual growth.

At first, we do standard sex, which generally means focusing on the physical, and ironically, it also means doing sex in our heads. You’ll have heard me describe this in various ways: the performance model of sex, the Three Course Meal approach to sex, the Male Adolescent Masturbatory approach to sex.

This is Level One Sex, where you focus on the ‘peaks’ of sex, the ‘bigger-harder-faster’ approach. Level one sex is about technique, sexual excitation, and explosive orgasms. This is the mountain you start with.

Then you realise that this type of sex is not entirely satisfying, there has to be more. So, you start to explore a deeper approach to sex. You might find that you are attracted to Tantra, with its mindful approach to lovemaking. You find yourselves slowing down, taking time to connect and to build eroticism.

This is Level Two Sex, where you become aware of the ‘valleys’ of sex, where the sensual and subtle create feelings of ecstasy. This is where the mountain disappears, sex is not what it was.

Then the mountain reappears as you combine both the peaks and valleys of sex as well as the physicality of sex and its energetic and spiritual aspects. But the peaks are not the same peaks that you knew before you discovered the valleys. These are peaks of sexual intensity that come with great presence and connection. You swing between the peaks of sexual intensity and the valleys of sexual bliss, in a flow of lovemaking that has no plan or expectation.

This is Level Three Sex - and it is truly awesome.

We are equal. But does equal mean we are ‘the same’?

I’ve written elsewhere about how men and women are essentially the same - see one of my all-time favourite blog articles ‘Men Are From Earth, Women Are From Earth’. But we’re not identical.

Vive la difference!

Sure, we should have social, political and economic equality between the sexes. But that doesn’t mean we are or should be the same. Quite the opposite, it’s in part the dynamic tension between the male and female energies that keeps sex strong and powerful in a relationship.

Ideally in a sexual encounter the man opens up his strong yang exterior and invites the woman into his tender yin interior where she can completely let go, safe inside the space he’s created. There she can let her strength manifest, resulting in extraordinary sexual responses.

Interestingly, what is happening energetically is the opposite of what’s happening physically: physically the man enters the woman, energetically the woman enters the man (and how scary and vulnerable can that make the man!)

Similarly, in a relationship, the man holds the space in which the woman can blossom and reach her potential. He’s like the pot and she’s the plant. It’s essential that he is a pot big enough to hold her or her growth will get stunted in the same way that the growth of a bonsai is stunted when you plant a tree in a pot that’s too small. If the man is too restrictive for her, she’ll be held back and not reach her full potential. Either that or the pot will crack from the pressure. Fortunately, the analogy has its limitations, and unlike pots, men can grow and develop to become big enough for their partner!

If a woman tries to be like a man, and puts up a false yang on the outside, she denies her yin softness and hides her true yang inner strength. She can’t enter into him and feel his support. She’ll feel she’s doing it all on her own, which is tiring and makes her brittle. Ultimately, if he’s too busy maintaining his yang on the outside and won’t let down his defenses enough to let her feel his interior softness, she will feel the lack of connection with him and they will bounce off each other. On the other hand, if he’s turned too soft and put up a ‘false yin’ on the outside she’ll feel nothing from him either, it’s like a marshmallow and makes for comfort but not necessarily connection.

Now, everyone does have masculine and feminine qualities and a well-developed person will have a pretty good balance within themselves. But the essence of each is different, and if we reject one, thinking the other is somehow better, then we reject a major aspect of ourselves.

So, let’s look at what is the ‘feminine’ and the ‘masculine’.

Valuing the Feminine

We grossly undervalue the feminine in this society. Yes, we had women’s liberation in the 70s, and that was a great thing, which has led to a definite improvement in the status of women. But in order to achieve that status, women had to prove that they could be like men, which they did. That’s fine, but all that did was show that women could be masculine. It didn’t raise the value of the feminine.

Which is why several decades on women find they have to be masculine to succeed in society.

True strength in a woman comes energetically from being soft on the outside and strong on the inside. In fact, it’s only by being soft on the outside that her inner strength can emanate. Otherwise, she’s creating a false yang on the outside, which is hard to sustain, is brittle and prevents her true strength from blossoming.

I want to stress that I am NOT talking about women being soft and weak and pathetic. That people think that’s what I’m talking about is just proof that our society devalues the feminine. It is strong to be soft. We need more of the feminine in this society. We need women to embrace their essential selves.

A woman can then express her femininity in many different ways (I’ve discovered seven different feminine Sex Goddesses or Sexual Archetypes, ranging from ‘tough’ to ‘gentle’ and everything in-between). There is no limitation in how she expresses herself as a woman. The important thing is that she is real and embraces the power and glory of being a woman.


Valuing the Masculine

Just as we undervalue the feminine in our society, we also get the masculine wrong.

Since we’ve had a few thousand years of not valuing the feminine, in place we’ve had an unnatural, overly arrogant masculine. A masculine defined more by the ability to dominate and control than one defined by true strength and openness.

So there has been a complete imbalance in society with a weak feminine and dominant masculine. With the social changes over the past decades, many people are changing. However, just as too many women reject the ‘weak’ feminine and adopt a harsh and controlling energy; too many men reject the ‘dominant’ masculine, and adopt an overly soft and, let’s face it, fairly insipid energy.

So many of my female clients complain that their man is not a man, and so many of my male clients confess that they don’t really know what it is to be a man.

The essence of a man is to be yang on the outside and yin on the inside. A nice analogy is the knight of old who would go off and fight dragons and save damsels in distress, but equally would come home and honour his woman, write her poetry, bring her gifts, and love and adore her. In this way she knows she can depend on him, yet he also opens himself to her, lets her inside. In doing this, he allows her to let go and show her real self too.


Finding the Balance

So many people are confused by how they “should” be, but what they’re really asking is, “How can I truly express myself in the fullness of my masculinity or femininity” and I believe this is because we have polarised the masculine and feminine so strongly. No woman wants to be a pathetic doormat, but is the only alternative to be an arrogant domineering male clone? No self-aware man wants to be a macho shit, but is the only alternative to be an overly sensitive new age wimp?

Not at all. However, it’s only when we understand the masculine and feminine energies as equal complements, yin and yang, that we can embrace both of them within ourselves, and through that within our society.

We are not “opposite” sexes. We are “complementary” sexes.

Both are strong, both are soft, both protect, both nurture. But the essence of each is different. That is what every man and every woman has to find within themselves in order to become whole.

If he is too much the wimp, she’ll have to do the holding herself, and won’t be able to let go. If he’s too much the macho shit, she won’t be able to get inside him and they’ll stay separated. If she’s too much the hard case, he won’t be able to open up to her. If she’s too much the helpless maiden, he won’t be able to meet with her power.

These are variations of dynamics I see all the time. But once people get it then magic starts happening.

Note: this has been written for a heterosexual audience. A balance of the ‘masculine’ and ‘feminine’ (I prefer the terms yin and yang) also needs to apply in same sex relationships.

I have a client who recently took a ‘marriage sabbatical’. At least, that’s what she and her husband called it.

A work sabbatical is traditionally when you take a break from your job to study something else for a while. The idea is that regular work is too full to focus on the study, so you have some time away, and come back to the job both with new and useful knowledge and a fresh spirit.

That’s what this client is doing with her marriage: she’s taking a month off to be away from her husband and all the expectations and pressures she feels (rightly or wrongly) from being in the marriage, in order to have the space to learn more about herself and what she wants and needs in her life and in her marriage.

So, yes, it’s a marriage sabbatical.

I love this term. It’s so much better than ‘trial separation’ or other more onerous terms. It’s calling it for what it is: time out.

These clients, like so many others who seem to have reached a plateau, have been married for over twenty years and are now empty nesters. They’ve had some struggles in recent years, but otherwise life is good - they’re well off, healthy and their careers are thriving. But she’s lost the zing and feeling a bit lost.

I see it mostly in female clients. They can’t see the forest for the trees, meaning they can’t identify their needs from within the marriage. They need a break to see things more clearly.

Not surprisingly, their husbands can find this concept of needing a break as threatening. He’s worried that if she has this level of freedom, she won’t come back to him. This is of course one possible outcome. But as the saying goes: “Set the caged bird free, if she comes back, she’s yours, if she doesn’t, she’s not.” You have to set her free to find out.

Of course, the husbands will argue that she’s not caged. If she’s not, then there should be no problem in her expressing her freedom. Or he might argue that being in a marriage or committed relationship comes with certain obligations to be there for him. Undoubtedly that’s true, but if she’s feeling she’s so stifled, for whatever reason, why not give her space to discover herself anew? Then if she does come back to you, you know she’s with you out of true desire and not obligation.

And of course, this is equally true if it’s a man who wants the sabbatical.

Scary stuff - for both, however it plays out!

Negotiating the ‘rules’ of the sabbatical are important: how much if any contact to have with each other, and of course the biggie - can you see other people while apart? That discussion in itself is challenging yet empowering and personal-growth-inducing. It’s hard though, which is why I get called in to help out.

I do admire the couples who can allow this to happen. It does take a considerable amount of personal growth to be able to accept this choice. This level of awareness and consciousness does mean though, that if the one on leave decides that they don’t want to be in the relationship any longer, they are mature enough to separate with love and consideration, rather than the more typical bitterness and hostility.

So back to our couple who opened this article, when he said his wife was having a ‘marriage sabbatical’ I knew that he understood, and so did she. He gave her the space with love, got on with his own life in the meantime (so wasn’t just ‘waiting’ passively), she accepted that offer graciously - and they both gave their relationship the best chance for growth that they could.

The result? She chose to stay with him, and they’re continuing to grow and develop their relationship anew.


Note: I have to stress that a marriage sabbatical of this type is not for everyone, and is certainly not a guarantee of ‘falling back in love’. So, if you are thinking of taking one, it has to be carefully negotiated - I’d recommend some professional guidance if you are.