I see a lot of male clients who watch a lot of porn, and one thing that strikes me about these men is that they are not very masculine.

A man who is mature in his masculinity is:

• Connected
• Confident
• Contributing, and
• Creative

A man like this is able to make love in a way that they both have an amazing time.

I don’t have a problem with porn per se. People have always liked to watch other people having sex. The problem happens when porn becomes a substitute for real sex, or when it becomes considered normal sex, rather than just something that is visually titillating.

The heavy porn watchers have an immature masculinity.

Let’s look at how porn interferes with a man’s sexual growth:

1) Connection: Porn teaches men nothing about connection. A man is never going to learn how to connect deeply and intimately with his partner if porn is his main source of sexual information. Yet without connection a man will never be a great lover, not even a good lover, especially over the long term. Connection is absolutely at the basis of all good sex.

2) Confidence: Porn reduces men’s confidence sexually as the images portrayed are of men who are unnaturally well endowed, who can last for unnaturally extended periods of time, and who can cause extreme responses in their female partners without warm-up. So many men, particularly young ones, take porn’s fantasy portrayal of sex as “normal” and feel inadequate in comparison.

3) Contribution: Porn tends to portray the man as the recipient of ardent attention from females. Which might be a lovely fantasy, but women generally respond better to a man who contributes, than one who sits back and expects her to do all the work. The lazy male lover will never get the response from his woman that both of them deserve, and he’ll never learn how to evoke this response through watching porn.

4) Creativity: Porn does not teach creativity. Creativity has elements of subtlety that you will never see in porn. Being a visual and aural medium it tends to be in your face: bigger, harder, faster, louder, rather than softer, sensual, playful and exquisite. Creativity is not about learning a trick or a new position; it is far more subtle than that.

So given that porn reduces these four key elements of a man’s ability to be a great lover, that it generates in men an immature masculinity, is it any wonder than so many women are unsatisfied by their lovers, not wanting the third-rate sex their partners can offer them? And is it any wonder then that the men can stay trapped in that infantile sexuality and remain hooked on the screen where it’s so much easier, rather than becoming a better lover through experimentation, research and practice?

Porn is like the fast-food equivalent of sex, it’s easy, it’s immediate, and it’s all done for you - but ultimately it’s not truly satisfying, which can lead to a need for more and more in a futile, endless quest for the satisfaction that constantly eludes.

By all means, watch a bit of porn for the titillation, there’s nothing wrong with that - just don’t get hooked in and grow backwards!

We’re talking extreme yang sex play here. Really unleashing the wild side and letting your most animalistic side take over. Rutting like wild cats. Biting, slapping, grasping hard, choking, seizing and pulling hair…

Rough sex takes an athlete’s devotion to physicality. You need strength, stamina, toughness, resilience. You have to be tough, both in the giving and receiving. You have to be physically robust to take rough sex. This robustness doesn’t have to be size, but the ability to flow with the activity, and the ability to absorb the energy of the activity and lose yourself in the pleasure of the passion.

You need to let go, get out of your head. Thinking your way into rough sex is as ineffective as thinking your way into gentle blissed-out sex.

Now, of course, there have to be limits. There have to rules of engagement. This is ravishment, not rape. So the first rule is consensual play. It takes two and if one doesn’t want to, for whatever reason, then there is no play, at least not this kind of play. Simple. There are plenty of other gorgeous sexual activities to engage in.

You need to pace yourself. You need to make sure that the ravishee in particular is good and warmed up. They need to be in a really heightened state of arousal, love-drunk to the max. Then their body becomes more pliable, and in that pliability more resilient.

The ravisher needs to pay attention to the ravishee’s responses. If it’s a little too strong, pull back in the intensity; if you feel you could go harder, ramp it up a bit. The ravishee needs to be in touch to modify the intensity if it’s too little or too much, there’s a subtle interplay between the two lovers as they are both reading and feeding back.

They’re both being open, both being vulnerable, both being real. They are both feeling and sharing their love. Engaging the heart is what takes rough sex from mere athleticism to something sublime, an intense opening of heart and body that is more akin to the divine.

When done well, it’s cathartic, through the feeling and through the vocal release. Grunts, groans, yells, snarls, cries and shrieks. You feel it, you let it out, you feel it more… You let the rapturous union consume you…

I was honoured once to give the reading at a friends’ wedding. They’d chosen a reading they liked, but wanted it ‘sexed up a bit’ - and who better to ask? Like most wedding readings it was beautiful and poetic and spoke all about love and commitment and sharing and respecting - all good and important aspects of marriage - but nothing about sex and intimacy. As my friends rightly said: “It’s our sexual connection that brought us together and it’s what makes our relationship unique - so we want that celebrated in our wedding ceremony too!”

So, in the reading, I pointed out that a marriage (or any long-term relationship) is like a tripod. It has three legs: friends, partners, and lovers. When all three are strong, you have a strong relationship, when they’re wobbly or missing, so is your relationship.

Being friendsmeans just that: enjoying each other’s company, sharing conversation and activities, and generally being good companions.

Being partners means being teammates in the game of life: being able to successfully run your household and family, managing the logistical parts of life.

Being lovers means maintaining the ‘mmm’ factor, that special energy that connects you in a way unlike any other. It’s a light, joyful, delicious, connection that pervades your life, so that you continuously cultivate desire for each other, and can co-create a quality, life-enhancing sex life, throughout your years together.

When you’ve got all three, you’ve got a great relationship.

Many relationships fall down in one or more areas:

• Sometimes a couple can be good in the partnership and lovers area, but not good enough friends for it to last;
• There are plenty of cases of couples with friendship and passion, but can’t manage the logistics (especially when drugs, alcohol and gambling is involved);
• And certainly, what I see most commonly in my practice, is couples where despite getting on well and having a good life together, the lovers’ side of things is wavering or has disappeared.

Enjoy the companionship as friends, manage the logistics of life as partners and feel the pleasure as lovers!

I’m back from running another gorgeous Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains last weekend. I’m feeling all loved up myself from being surrounded by couples celebrating their love and honouring their sexuality as an expression of that love. It really is such a wonderful experience that I want to tell you all the good reasons to attend.

I was going to write this myself, and then I received this feedback from one couple who attended - and so I figured that rather than me waxing lyrical about it, it’d be much better for you to hear from the participants themselves!

Hi Jacqueline,

We want to give you some formal feedback on what was an amazing weekend.

We both feel it was THE BEST investment we have ever made as a couple.

We had so much fun on the weekend but that is just a fraction of the value as we learned tools that will serve us for the rest of our lives.

(1) We were hoping it would allow us to derivemore enjoyment out of our sex lives. These expectations have already been exceeded, and with so much more enjoyment and fun yet to explore we know it will only get better.

(2) We were also hoping this wouldbring us closer together as a couple,and again these expectations were exceeded.

(3) We didn’t expect to be given useful tools that wouldbring us closer together as a couple inallaspects of our lives. That was a truly incredible surprise!

(4) We also didn’t expect to be able toderive more pleasure out ofallaspects of life -from savouring the taste of food, to appreciating the beauty in the natural world, and everything in-between.

(5) The mix of spiritual and science suited us perfectly with our science background. The comparison of chakras to neural plexus was an inspired interpretation that put things in ways that allow people from any kind of background tounderstand the concepts.

(6) The couples retreat was a perfect way tolearn about the Tantric approach to sex.The interaction from other couples shows just how many similar issues other couples face and everyone is so encouraging and supporting, there is no judgement and the safe environment allows us to make some very brave steps both personally and as a couple.

(7) Thanks again. This really is your calling and you have an amazing gift to put people at ease and explain things so easily and provide a safe environment to allow us to share. It's very inspiring. Of course please thank your partner as well as his input really was amazing andhelped me personally more than I can say.

Till next time, we wish you the best professionally and personally. J&L

If you’d like to share that feeling with your beloved, please join me at one of my upcoming Couples Retreats:

• For the ultimate experience, join me in LoveLife Couples Bali Retreat for five days of deepening connection and heightening pleasure.
• And if you can’t get away for that long, come to a weekend Couples Retreat in the Blue Mountains.

I detest the use of the word “penetration” in relation to intercourse.

It’s such an aggressive term. Think about it: what’s a woman going to do if she’s about to be penetrated by a penis? Raise the barricades! Batten down the hatches! Start defensive maneuvers! She’s certainly not going to open up, invite in and welcome the penis into her depths.

I’ve helped numerous women overcome their fear of sex, painful intercourse and vaginismus simply by changing their language around sex.

Even for women without sexual fears, thinking about intercourse as penetration can cause a hardening of the vagina and tensing of the genital area. And causes her to guard herself against the man.

For good sex you want the woman to open herself to her man and invite him in. She needs to be good and ready so that she really wants his penis inside her. If she’s not ready and yearning for it then sex is not going to be good.

Good sex is about two people connecting. The penis enters the vagina and the vagina envelops and embraces the penis.

It’s a two-way, mutual experience.


Sure, sometimes there are times when you want a quick wank, just as stress release or to rid yourself of a persistent urge. But for a man who wants to be a great lover, someone who is in tune with his sexuality and can make awesome love with his partner, what you really want is ‘solo cultivation’.

This term comes from the Taoist (Chinese) sexual practices. It essentially means you are masturbating to improve yourself. The furtive wank in front of the computer watching three barbie doll look-alikes pretend to be getting off on each other is fine, but it’s not improving yourself. It’s a bit like grabbing a take-away hamburger from a fast-food chain - that’s not great nutrition, it’ll get you by when you’re desperate for a feed, but you won’t develop a great body from it. Wanking to porn as opposed to mindful masturbation is the same.

We don’t generally think of masturbation as a way to better yourself, so this will take a bit of mind shift.

First, you need to make time and space, and move away from the computer (or other device). Be somewhere comfortable, such as sitting in an armchair or reclining on a pile of pillows on your bed, and make sure it’s a chilled environment, maybe play some cool music.

Do some belly breathing for a few minutes, nice and slow, to get yourself relaxed. Then do a body scan, where you bring your focus to all the parts of your body, from toes through to tips of your fingers and top of your head, noticing where there’s tension and consciously relaxing those parts.

When it feels right, take hold of your penis, and bring your attention to it. Breathe into your penis and really connect with it, feeling that you and it are a team. Start moving in a pleasurable way, no rush.

Then as you play with yourself do the following (this can be over many sessions, not necessarily all at once):

• Notice how aroused you are on a scale of 1-10.
• Practice raising and lowering your level of arousal, with hand motion, pace and rhythm and your thoughts.
• See if you can hang around the 7-9 level, as though you are swimming in the pleasure.
• When you find yourself getting excited, notice how your energy rises in your body and practice lowering it by belly breathing.
• Squeeze your pelvic floor muscles at various levels of arousal and see if you can get a sense of drawing the sexual energy inwards, so that the pleasure stays in the body rather than being drawn outward.
• Imagine you’re breathing your sexual energy up your spine, over the top of your head and down your front. Practice doing this closer and closer to the point of orgasm, seeing if you can feel orgasmic sensation without ejaculation.
• Once you do ejaculate (and you don’t have to) continue to have a sense of drawing the energy in and allowing the pleasure to suffuse your whole body. Stay there for a little while, enjoying the sensation, continuing to breathe.

The benefits to practicing masturbation like this are that you’ll:

• become more connected with your penis,
• stay present and focused during sex,
• be more in tune with your partner,
• be more in your body and less in your head during sex so it will flow more naturally,
• stay erect more easily (and be less fussed if your erection rises and falls),
• last longer if you come quickly,
• come faster if you take too long.

So, get cultivating!

There are many aspects to becoming sexually empowered, whatever your gender, and one of the key elements is pleasure. And the thing about pleasure, is that it's not a nice-to-have or reward-if-you’re-good. In fact, our bodies thrive on pleasure...

… if we are open to them.

Our bodies thrive on pleasure. When we experience pleasure we keep the happy hormones flowing. We feel calm, connected, in the flow, so life is good.

But so many of us busy, harried, stressed-out modern humans have lost touch with the ability to enjoy simple pleasures. So we go into a mad oscillation of stress and tension counteracted (or so we think) with intense “pleasures”, such as partying, porn, drugs, high-energy work-outs, entire tubs of triple choc ice-cream, or vegetating mindlessly in front the TV. We seek out pleasure through either zoning out or through hyper-intensity.

True pleasure though, is not about zoning out, it’s about being very present, very aware of sensual feeling; and it’s not about intensity, it’s about honing in to the exquisiteness of subtlety.

It’s like sex. Too many of us have lost the ability to feel subtle sexual pleasure, we feel it has to be intense or we don’t feel anything. But that approach to sex actually numbs us to true sexual, sensual pleasure, and requires ever more intense stimulation to feel any pleasure at all.

The more you develop your skill in experiencing subtle pleasure (yes, it is a skill), the more powerful the sensation will be. You’ll find that one mouthful of triple choc ice-cream will be a delight, a whole tub will be revolting; you will find the crassness of porn a turn-off in comparison to delightful connection with your real-life lover; a walk in the evening will be far more appealing than hours of mindless TV; you’d rather go hungry than eat fast food; you’ll get high on life and not need artificial stimulants.

Wake yourself up, physically and mentally, to true pleasures. Most of these are small, simple and subtle. They are also frequent. You’ll be healthier and you’ll be happier. These pleasures make you smile, you laugh freely and have an open, kind and generous spirit.

And sex, well, sex enters a whole new dimension of sensation…. 

Spiritual sex is playful sex.

Because spirituality is about lightness, joy, relishing the spice of life. Our spirits love to play.

You can tell a truly spiritual person because they are light, they smile, they feel the lightness of being, the joy of existence.

The Hindu term ‘leela’ reflects this concept, that life is play. Without attachment and heaviness we can be playful.

It’s not just eastern traditions that recognise it, many of our great Western thinkers discovered the same thing:

"We don't stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing."

         George Bernard Shaw

"The true object of all human life is play."

           G. K. Chesterton

“The most evident token and apparent sign of true wisdom is a constant and unrestrained rejoicing.”  Montaigne

And to quote me: “Sex is playtime for grown-ups!”

We’ve been blessed with bodies that experience pleasure, minds that are creative and spirits that love to play. Life is meant to be the combination of all three, and sex, the source of life, the base of life, is most definitely all three.

I’m always stressing that sex is playtime for grown-ups. Sex is about sharing pleasure. That means being creative and experimental and generally having fun with the whole thing.

One element of playtime is…toys! Yes, just as kids can play with toys, so can we grown-ups. It’s fun!

Occasionally people say to me, ‘But it’s unnatural to use sex toys’. Oh, for heaven’s sake, so is using a toothbrush, but I’m sure you use one every day.

In fact, I doubt sex toys are ‘unnatural’ at all, I’m sure they go back as long as humans have existed. One of the outstanding features of humans is our ability to be creative and devise tools and gadgets. Phallic shaped artefacts have been found all over the world from ancient times, and while the archeologists might call them ‘objects of worship’ or similar, I’m quite sure they had a more ‘practical’ use as well…

These days there are a huge number of toys available for us to play with:

· There are various vibrators for clitoral stimulation, vibrators and dildos for internal stimulation (front and back-door, for him as well as her – if you’re up for it, and there’s absolutely no pressure there), cock-rings for his and her pleasure.

· Then there are all sorts of lotions and potions and ticklers and other yummy things for sensual play (my favourite sex toy at the moment is candles that melt into massage oil – so warm and sensual!).

· There are items to restrain your partner, from feathered handcuffs and silken blindfolds to some seriously hardcore chains and things.

· There are dress-ups and costumes for role-plays and simply for sexy dressing (and un-dressing!)

· And I’d include erotic literature too, because that can either inspire you in your sexual play, or become part of it – reading erotica aloud while your partner tries to distract you can be a lot of fun…

Using toys in your sexual play can free you up to be more playful, more expressive and through that to have a more connected and pleasurable experience.

What type of toys you get is completely up to you. Go on-line and have a browse, that in itself can be a fun activity. You’ll learn a lot about yourself and your partner doing that. Remember always to take things lightly – it’s no different to browsing the smorgasbord at a restaurant.

An on-line store I highly recommend is: Max Black - www.maxblack.com.au. This is because this site (and also the store) is classy and tasteful and the products are top quality.

What do I mean by classy, tasteful and top quality? Well, for a start, the aesthetics. Call me a snob, but I always say that if you can’t put your sex toy on your mantlepiece it’s too tacky.

Just as important is the material they’re made from. Sex toys are supposed to enhance your life, so make sure they’re healthy – avoid any made with the plastic softener called phthalates, they’ve been found to cause cancer. (Phthlates have been banned in Australia in children’s toys, that same respect for health has not been extended to adult’s toys. Yet another example, I think, of the powers that be not taking sex seriously. Like not having sex therapy rebated on Medicare – ahh, but that’s another story and I’ll get off my soap box now.)

So, get shopping, get creative and play!

The poor anus, it can get left out. The whole body is responsive to touch and pleasure, and the anal area more so than most, yet it has a reputation for being ‘dirty’ and for anal play to be somewhat ‘sordid’. But think of deep connection, waves of pleasure, ecstatic thrills throughout your body.

…that sounds beautiful and desirable, but does it sound anal? Not if your idea of anal sex is something that’s dirty or sordid. Yet it’s perfectly possible to include ‘backdoor’ pleasures within a sensual, connected approach to sex.

The whole pelvic region area is so full of good bits - masses of nerve endings, engorging material - that with the right approach almost any stimulation in the area can feel good, including anal.

Stress the phrase: “with the right approach”.

For a start, if you’re not interested, you’re not interested, and if your partner is not interested, that’s fine, there’s no reason why anyone should like anal play if it’s not their thing. It would be like trying to force someone to like Brussels sprouts. Although having said that, it’s possible they don’t like Brussels sprouts because of the way they are cooked. Brussels sprouts that have been boiled to death are horrible. If they’re lightly steamed then sautéed with some garlic and bacon, well, that’s a whole other story…

So just because you think you’re not interested in anal play, it could be because you’ve never tried it lightly steamed then sautéed, so to speak. That is, it could be your approach.

Anal play can only be enjoyably indulged in when you are very aroused. It has to be something that you really want to do. Forced anal sex, and by that I mean forcing yourself when you’re not ready, is never going to be good. That will make you feel dirty and sordid. Do it when you are highly aroused, feeling deeply connected, and approach it with sensuality and desire, however…then that’s a whole different story.

So, make sure there’s plenty of yummy activity before you even consider it. Then gradually introduce some light touching on the outside; increasing to some gentle probing, and only if the person really wants it would you go deeper inside. Keep in mind this could take months or years to get to this point, if ever. If you just like some light external stimulation, that’s great, that’s all you ever need do.

If you do feel like internal stimulation though, then go for it. There are two rules. One is that anything that goes inside an anus must not then go inside a vagina, as you’ll transfer germs. So, either put a condom over the finger, toy or penis that is going into the anus and remove it before inserting into a vagina, or keep some wet-wipes handy and give it a good clean (soap and water is best).

Second must-obey rule, is that if you’re using a toy, make sure it has a handle so there’s no way it can get lost inside. An embarrassing trip to casualty to retrieve the missing object would not be pleasant…

To get used to having something inserted in your back end, start small, and go gradually. As the item is going in, relax and push out gently with your anal muscles, then pull in. Feel like you’re drawing the item in, rather than it being forced in. It’s always tricky until you get through the sphincter muscle, then it’s usually easier. If you’re the one doing the inserting, avoid going too intensely once you’re in. If you want the delicious ecstatic type feelings, then you need to keep the stimulation to a minimum.

(You can of course engage in harder, ‘dirtier’ anal play if that’s what turns you on, my point is that it doesn’t have to be done that way.)

Plenty of people, male and female, enjoy anal play. It can be great combined with other oral or manual stimulation or when playing when toys. It certainly doesn’t have to be with a penis, or with something penis-sized - unless you like that! There’s no end goal, bigger is not better, it’s just whatever gives you pleasure.

So don’t leave your poor anus out of your sexual play! It might like to play too. And you might find all sorts of new and wonderful experiences and sensations opening up if you do!